Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Disinclination to cooperate

[Rebecca Stickler (docstick]

And here is a response. I did get something out of his discussion on values
conflict.  I think that is what we really need to discuss as a larger
group.  We should be able to respect one another's values without imposing
them on others or making judgements that makes others feel intimidated.
That was one of my biggest fears about ever getting involved with
cohousing. Overall the benefits seem to outweigh the annoyances, but I
haven't lived it yet.

Rebecca


On 6/19/08, Rob Sandelin <floriferous [at] msn.com> wrote:
>
>
> Kay Argyle sent a long message about the demise of their community meals
> and
> it had this paragraph in it:
>
> When the community offered compromises (like tucking a roast pig behind a
> screen for a big neighborhood party), but wouldn't cater to them (like
> telling the neighbor who cooked the pig we didn't want it), they quit
> attending potlucks and parties, and (due to a disinclination towards
> flexibility in other areas as well) after a while dropped out of nearly all
> other community activities.
>
> This is a classic values conflict, where somebody insists their values have
> to be applied to everyone else. This is sometimes complicated by other
> non-cooperative behaviors and usually leads to the "offended" person
> eventually moving out, often to the relief of the more cooperative people.
> Unless the values in question are explicitly agreed to as stated community
> values, projecting them as expectations upon the community is not
> reasonable.  One way to deal with this is make the case explicit. Bring it
> up at a meeting as a proposal for an agreement. If there is no agreement,
> then it is explicitly NOT a community value. Sometimes in the course of
> going through this, values are examined and compromises can be found.
> However, sometimes folks will make a do this or I leave emotional hostage
> play.  The best course in this case is to smile, be kind at their lack of
> cooperative ability but be firm, and allow them to leave with grace.
> Community living does not work for everybody, and sometimes people just end
> up in the wrong place and did not know any better. Its not your fault or
> theirs that they ended up in the wrong community, and the experience
> benefits everybody...eventually.
>
> Rob Sandelin
> 17 Years at
> Sharingwood Cohousing
> Snohomish WA
>
> _________________________________________________________________
> Cohousing-L mailing list -- Unsubscribe, archives and other info at:
> http://www.cohousing.org/cohousing-L/
>
>
>