Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Parenting in Cohousing

[Naomi Anderegg (naomi_anderegg]

The fact of the matter is that different parents have different expectations. I 
think that one thing about cohousing that is very attractive to parents is the 
idea that kids can be allowed to be more "free-range" than in other 
environments 
and that everyone kind of has an eye out for their child. But, on the other 
hand, other people "getting on to" or "parenting" your child might upset you, 
especially if you and your child both perceive that person as being nit picky. 


I do sometimes reprimand other people's children (justifying that if my child 
was doing what that child is doing and I wasn't there, then I would definitely 
want someone to say something!) Even outside a cohousing setting, there have 
been times when I felt like I "got onto" a child that wasn't mine a little too 
harshly, and then (being pretty blatantly straightforward) ended up going to 
the 
parent and apologizing ASAP. (And, if at some point in the future you make a 
child cry or get a shocked/scared look from one when reprimanding them--that's 
my recommendation!! Talk to the parent before the kid does!) 


But, to the point, the approach that I've pretty much settled on is to (1) call 
a child's attention, (2) beckon them close enough to where I'm not embarrassing 
them too much by yelling across their friends at them, (3) give them a 
shocked/mortified look, and (4) ask (with indignation) "Is your mother/father 
OK 
with you doing this?" or "What would your mother/father think?" (Maybe even 
followed up with a "are you sure?" if they say yes.) I haven't told them to do 
or not to do anything. But I've implied that their behavior isn't socially 
acceptable and expressed that I think that their parents wouldn't (or maybe 
shouldn't?) approve. And I don't think that a parent or child could justifiably 
complain about this approach, so you don't have to worry about over-stepping 
your bounds. You can follow up with an email to a parent if you like -- "I saw 
so-&-so doing such & such and he said if was fine with you, but I just wanted 
to 
make sure you knew what was going on," or just mention it the next time you see 
them. It would be a odd parent to be offended that you offered information. 


I think such an approach by multiple people sends the message that parents 
want, 
but also keeps a group of kids from devolving into Lord of the Flies. (People 
have "an eye out" for your kid, but aren't pushing their values / standards on 
them.)

Just my 2 cents! :)

Naomi Anderegg