Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Parenting in Cohousing

[Doug Huston (huston]

Trying to stay on topic..............Parenting is an ever-present  
issue here in our 13 unit cohousing community, where we have 19 adults  
and 13 children (down from 24 adults and 18 kids). Some of the kids  
are part-time. Our one teen participates in no way within the  
community, and the rest are young down to 18 months old. So I can't  
answer Sharon's question here and now, but boy howdy it'll be up for  
us in a few years if our present members remain here.
While I understand the refusal to enforce another parents' guidelines,  
I don't mind doing that sometimes - both when I'm sure I'm clear, and  
at times when I think I'm simply helping parent/raise a child. I have  
explicit permission to do this, with the assurance that parent of said  
child will talk with me if there is a problem. To me, those moments  
exemplify "it takes a village." Perhaps those of us (like myself) who  
have acted in that role elsewhere (child care, teacher, counselor,  
social worker, etc.) find it easier to 'parent' others' children.

The sentiment exists within our community that non-parent members  
ought not enforce kid issues - though some do. The sentiment is  
disappointing to me. Though I'm not sure its the same, I can find this  
sentiment within myself when I get tired of parenting children of  
others whom I judge to be underparenting. It is easier for all us  
adults to address when the circumstance pertains to reinforcing an  
agreed upon community guideline.

One thing that drew me to cohousing was the vision that we'd raise our  
children together in a more thoughtful, concerted way. Parenting/ 
raising children conversations seem to be an area fraught with  
difficult emotional terrain, and has fallen far short of my hopes. And  
sometimes those conversations dissolve into intellectual discussions  
with little helpfulness and limited applicability to our practical  
reality. Amongst the multi-layered reasons for this, I interpret this  
as a cultural issue. By this I mean that the nuclear family is primary  
in a pervasive way. While I don't really expect it to be different,  
this default position at times appears and feels more reactive and  
like a retreat, rather than philosophical or thoughtful. As though   
working together on raising kids together is just too hard, so we do  
it the familiar way. All too often it just seems like we are families  
living in a conventional neighborhood when it comes to our kids. I  
don't mean to diminish that we watch one another's kids, or that we  
care about and know each other's children because we live in  
cohousing, and all the little things that are important and different.  
Its just that I'd hoped our children would utilize and benefit more  
from other adults as shared resources of knowledge, love, perspective,  
and well....child-rearing.

I'd love it if we even did what Tim wrote: "Parents who are  
experiencing difficulty enforcing boundaries with their kids will ask  
in e-mail or in person, "If you see so-and-so riding without his  
helmet, please tell him to put it on."  But it's a request,
not a demand, and there isn't an expectation that other adults are  
obligated to enforce it."
We only put out such requests occasionally, or between specific  
parents. I was hoping we'd do this in an even deeper way. Something  
like, My child is really struggling with being mean to others, will  
you please address this with him/her if you see it? Or, my child seems  
to be letting others walk all over him/her, while you coach him/her  
when you see that? Or ________'s grandpa just died, and he seems to be  
angry. Can you give him some more leeway about his behavior, and try  
to connect with him emotionally? Or, My child is struggling with  
reading. If you have a moment and feeling like reading to him/her, I'd  
sure appreciate that. Or even, I'm struggling setting boundaries with  
my child, if you see this would you have a conversation with me about  
(then or later)? Or I'm being too hard on my kid and need help  
recognizing it. Will you talk with me about that when you see that (or  
later)? and so on.

We are just four years old and I presume our community developmental  
stage is related to how this and other issues are handled.
I appreciate the topic.

Doug Huston- Ashland Cohousing Community (Oregon)