Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Parenting in Cohousing

[Lyle Scheer (wonko]

[Sent this in HTML and I think it hit the moderator's filter....
resending without]

Seems like quite a generic parenting question, no co-housing required.

Kids can almost always find ways around restrictions if they are so
inclined.  I would imagine it quite simple to find a friend who is
allowed more screen time, and so on... without the need of a common house.

Similarly, parents can create consequences when they discover that the
rules have been broken, with or without a co-housing community involved.

All of this, of course, highly dependent upon both the nature of the
parent and the nature of the child.

Put that all aside, and it does come down to the actual question asked,
how does a community deal with said parent-child relation?

Separate this into distinct areas:

o The relationship between the parent and the child.  Probably not much
an be done from the community here.  Resources to assist parenting? 
Certainly if the cohousing group is so inclined.

o Dealing with a request from a parent to the community regarding access
restrictions.  Seems rather straightforward, and the community can
choose to accommodate the parents request or not, depending on how it
might affect other users usage.  I imagine this highly tailored to the
situation and the community.  I would claim that ultimately it is up to
the parents to parent, but certainly a cohousing community could choose
to provide common resources and even become involved with co-parenting. 
I certainly do not think there is any place for a common cohousing
standard.  I would say this is up to each community individually. 
Perhaps my imagination is limited here, but I would think the parents
have much more in their realm of control to be able to deal with this
and create appropriate consequences than does the community at large,
but that may be because I see the example presented as more of a generic
parenting issue.

o Dealing with community member's feelings/opinions regarding use/abuse
of the common facilities by a teen.  Seems like the generic case of
common space use/abuse applies.  Do you have a policy to apply?

I'm not quite sure what there is here to discuss.

My community, Ashland Cohousing Community, does not have any physical
access restrictions.  The common house is typically unlocked during the
daytime and early evenings.  We do have a policy that children are not
in the common house unattended, though that has been worked around in
specific cases (a pre-teen practicing on a keyboard in the CH at one
point).  We only have one teen currently, and no problems around this
teen.  We do have a batch of younger ones that will get there.  I would
say my community deals with specific issues on a case by case basis. 
However, in your specific query around a 14+ year old abusing a common
facility, we have not yet had to deal with this.

On the other hand, we have had to deal, and continue to deal with issues
around parenting.  The ones we struggle with most seem to revolve around
the case where a community member sees a behavior in a child that they
deem inappropriate, which may or may not be covered within our community
policies, and needing some response, but not willing to provide the
response themselves, and not finding the specific parent sympathetic to
that community member's desire for response, or providing that response
and then feeling resentment that the parents do not.  I suspect there's
a usual gamut of such issues, going from dinner behavior in common meals
to toys on community property not picked up.

- Lyle

On 6/13/11 8:38 AM, Robert Heinich wrote:
> Sharon,
>
> Is your Common House open to all or is access restricted?
>
> Our Common House is locked but all adults and teens with parents' permission
> have keys.  However that does not mean all teens have keys.  Some, in the
> view of their parents, have not developed the trust to have a key.
>
> Our Common House does have TVs but no accessible computers.  So some of our
> teens do watch TV (cable TV or movies on DVD).
>
> So if the parent have restricted screen time and the teen ignores the
> restriction, they should not have a key to the Common House.  However, this
> control is with the parent and not with the community.  As I stated earlier,
> not all of our teens have keys to the Common House.
>
> -Robert Heinich
>  Eno Commons Cohousing
>  Durham, NC
>  ht 
> <http://www.enocommons.org>tp://www.enocommons.org<http://www.enocommons.org>
>  where the whirring of the Brood XIX cicadas is winding down but one an see
> fireflies now
>
>
> On Mon, Jun 13, 2011 at 9:46 AM, Sharon Villines
> <sharon [at] sharonvillines.com>wrote:
>
>> I've asked this question before to stone cold silence which usually means
>> it's too hot to touch. I'm trying again.
>>
>> How do communities deal with access to common house facilities when
>> teenagers, in the view of their parents, may be abusing such facilities?
>>
>> There are several age groups for which different expectations can be placed
>> but for the sake of avoidance, let's try 14+.
>> Have you had situations in which a parent expected the community, for a
>> child of this age, to require, for example, that televisions and computers
>> in the common house be locked up because the teenagers won't observe
>> parental restrictions on "screen time."
>>
>> In my opinion, this is an age at which adults should have established clear
>> understandings of adult behavior that is expected of their children and have
>> in place both rewards and withdrawal of privileges if those behaviors aren't
>> exhibited. It is fairly impossible to control their behavior with either
>> constant supervision or limiting the environment. If the child doesn't begin
>> or isn't expected to exercise self-control at the age of 14, all hope may be
>> lost.
>>
>> When I expressed this opinion yesterday my neighbor said, "Sharon, you are
>> dealing with cohousers here. Get real."
>>
>> How does your community deal with this?
>>
>> Sharon
>> ——
>> Sharon Villines
>> "Reality is something you rise above." Liza Minnelli
>>
>>
>>
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