Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Privacy for Introverts

[Tiffany Lee Brown (magdalen23]

perhaps some communities could set up systems that allow people to more
easily broadcast and read each other's needs. at every gatepost or door, a
little red/yellow/green traffic light image? if it says green, come up and
knock. if i've got it on red, stay away except in emergencies. something
similar could even be done on one's person for community areas. "when
people are wearing a red friendship bracelet, it means they'd like a little
space."

in general, our culture puts a lot of store in people being able to read
social cues. in reality, everyone comes from a different social and
familial environment, where they learn different cues. various
"neurotribes" (such as those with asperger's) process these subtle cues
differently. why not just make it blatant and spare everyone a lot of pain?

- tiffany in oregon


tiffany lee brown | writer/artist/etc: www.magdalen.com
editor, plazm | current & back issues: www.plazm.com

On Thu, Oct 1, 2015 at 12:19 PM, R Philip Dowds <rpdowds [at] comcast.net> 
wrote:

>
> Actually, this conversation did not originate as a discussion of
> personality types.  It started out as, How to prevent or minimize unwanted
> interactions.  Like, how can one be outdoors (in or next to the commons)
> without appearing to invite engagements?  Or, how can one be in one's unit
> and not get too many knocks on the door at the wrong times?  I don't think
> the introvert / extrovert polarity leverages this topic.  My point was, If
> one is really opposed to unsolicited knocks on your door — if one really
> prefers to be contacted by email or voicemail, such that one can completely
> control the timing of both query and response — then maybe cohousing is a
> problematic choice.
>
> On the other hand ... maybe it's true that you are plagued by a couple of
> neighbors who don't really understand boundaries or social protocols.
> This, however, isn't necessarily a cohousing thing; it can happen in any
> condo / HOA.
>
> Philip Dowds
>
> > On Oct 1, 2015, at 8:21 PM, Sharon Villines <sharon [at] sharonvillines.com>
> wrote:
> >
> >
> >
> >> On Oct 1, 2015, at 12:23 PM, R Philip Dowds <rpdowds [at] comcast.net>
> wrote:
> >>
> >> I guess I'm wondering if cohousing is really a good choice for those
> who place high value on privacy and anonymity.
> >
> > Anonymity, I think is a total “no" since you can’t be a good neighbor
> and be anonymous. (Of course they could put apples on someone’s porch in
> the middle of the night but how would you know they even like apples much
> less need them.)
> >
> > As an introvert who becomes even more introverted with age, however, I
> can say cohousing is perfect for introverts. I’ve said this before but I
> think it is important. Cohousing allows me to join social events without
> planning in advance (which I rarely do). I can attend parties for 30
> minutes and leave. With the exception of one neighbor who has often been in
> and out 4-8 times a day when she isn’t working, I never feel frustrated
> with people interrupting too often.
> >
> > I love the children coming in to play. I have lots of small toys like
> rubber animals, finger puppets, Dora scenario, small cars, etc. And baby
> toys. (Regressing out of sight of their parents.) They occupy a different
> head-space than adults. I serve vegetable ice cream (frozen corn) in small
> cups.
> >
> > For couples cohousing is wonderful when one is an extrovert and one an
> introvert. It can save marriages. The extrovert always has someone to talk
> to without the partner having to engage with them or tag along. One friend
> who lived in a two family home said it was wonderful. “She always has
> someone to talk to. She talks all the time.”
> >
> > I point this out also because I observed during our forming phase that
> the most introverted were the most reluctant and didn’t participate very
> much. They may just need to be reassured that sociability is not an hourly,
> daily, or even weekly expectation. Some people here may see their closest
> neighbors when they leave their unit, but often don’t attend larger group
> functions more than once a month, and like I said, can leave when they want
> to.
> >
> > There are many ways to participate in workshare that don’t require
> either team meetings or group activities. Sometimes I think someone is not
> contributing but when I ask around I find they are quietly taking
> responsibility for several tasks on an ongoing basis.
> >
> > Sharon
> > ----
> > Sharon Villines
> > Takoma Village Cohousing, Washington DC
> > http://www.takomavillage.org
> >
> >
> >
> >
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