Cohousing-L Mailing List: Help with Teen Behavior [was Cohousing-L Digest, Vol 229, Issue 13

[Sharon Villines (sharon]

> A teenager has started inviting her friends to visit, and these ?friends" are 
> disrespectful to other residents, have caused damage to some of the property 
> and make some residents fearful of the situation.  The single parent of the 
> resident teenager seems unable to exercise any control over the situation, 
> and seems fearful of the ?friends.?

One of the opportunities of cohousing is looking at problems from a broader 
point of view. A household is in trouble. It doesn’t sound like the parent is 
refusing help or advice but is unable to handle the situation and can’t or 
won’t pay for the damages. What can community members do to help? What should 
the community do to protect itself? What kind of community does a kid like this 
need?

Asking the household to move is just moving the problem to another 
neighborhood, not addressing it. Cohousing certainly can’t help all people all 
the time. How much you can help depends on how many other problems the 
community is experiencing. We have had very difficult times with some teens but 
it is hard to generalize from one situation to another.

One advantage of teenagers is that they grow up. Our problems have resolved 
themselves in 1-3 years. Most parents took responsibility and other community 
members helped as well. One parent can’t keep their eyes on a teen 24/7. The 
environment has to maintain its own controls and supports.

The Association does have control over common areas and can exercise its 
authority regardless of the age of the violators. No one should stand around 
and watch anyone misbehave, be disrespectful, and destroy property. The 
liability for damage can usually be exercised with a lien on the property. The 
lien has to be cleared before the property can be sold. 

That can be done calmly with no drama. It sets boundaries for the parent. 
Parents can be contributing to the problem in ways that they may not be aware 
of. At least the community can establish a structured environment.

One possibility is helping the parent by finding community resources. Mentoring 
programs. Special interest groups like chess clubs, tennis lessons, etc. Teens 
are so influenced by their peers, that relationships usually have to be 
addressed.

In one instance other adults staged an intervention. The child refused to 
participate but the parent and siblings did. In another instance, a resident 
called a meeting of all the adults and explained why the situation was 
upsetting and even dangerous for her. People set up some security procedures 
and some talked to the child. Discussing values and sharing expectations helped 
everyone. People can feel better even if the situation doesn’t change because 
they feel supported. They aren't alone.

I’ve seen a lot of kids outgrow the teenager rebellions and acting out and turn 
into perfectly lovely 20-somethings. Having firm interventions without treating 
them like criminals or psychos has worked well. When all else fails, there is 
the Army—the structure and independence was what some kids in my extended 
family needed. It allowed them to escape troubled family dynamics and provided 
economic security until they grew up a bit. An odd solution for most cohousers 
to contemplate but one that is often used by parole officers and working-class 
families who can’t afford to move to a different school district, can’t hire a 
shrink, and can’t afford a boarding school.

Sharon
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Sharon Villines
Takoma Village Cohousing, Washington DC
http://www.takomavillage.org