Cohousing-L Mailing List: Help with Teen Behavior [was Cohousing-L Digest, Vol 229, Issue 13

[Sharon Villines (sharon]

> On Feb 14, 2023, at 12:06 PM, Diana Porter <porterd1334 [at] gmail.com> wrote:
> 
> Once you find that support person(s) , the  support person(s) and the parent 
> must meet with these kids.  The kids need to be shown the damage and have it 
> clearly stated to them they have  to work off its repair (doing tasks in the 
> community? like mowing? raking? working in the garden? cleaning?

I used to work in a state program for adolescents with emotional problems and 
others with behavior problems. We had a man who trained marching bands to come 
and teach us how to work with the girls in forming a team of marchers. The 
first thing he did was put the most obstreperous girl in charge. He gave her 
the job of his assistant. She stood up front next to him and was given the 
responsibility for following up on practice during the week.

It worked like a charm. He soon had about 3-4 assistants. He told us you always 
single put the one whose trouble and put them in charge. They want respect and 
they need the responsibility of leadership. You don’t start with penalties and 
restrictions. Just recognize the spirit that wants something to do.

Inviting them to a workday, with the support person working with them, might be 
the thing they need to become participating members of the community. They may 
want to be the thing they are denigrating. 

We also had a very good police officer who came to talk to one of our boys one 
time. He had locked himself in a room and refused to come out. The officer just 
talked to him like big brother and explained how things were going to go if he 
continued his behavior. Not threatening, just explaining the juvenile 
intervention programs and giving him the responsibility of making choices. He 
talked through the door for half an hour and said call me if you have questions 
or I can help. Police officers can be very helpful. 

I used to have police officers as students — they were returning to college to 
get 4-year degrees so they could be promoted. One thing I learned from them is 
that their job is not to enforce the law. Their job is to keep the peace. If 
that requires enforcing a law, they do. But the first question is whether 
enforcing the law will keep the peace. If it doesn’t, then it isn’t going to 
help and will just lead to more chaos. One officer explained all the 
neighborhoods in Brooklyn, for example, like an anthropologist. Each had a 
different culture and different things were acceptable and not acceptable. Good 
officers adapted to keep the peace.

Sharon
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Sharon Villines
Takoma Village Cohousing, Washington DC
http://www.takomavillage.org