Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Cohousing vs "traditional" self-managed community

[Sharon Villines (sharon]

> On Jun 12, 2025, at 8:19 PM, Lisa Kuntz via Cohousing-L <cohousing-l [at] 
> cohousing.org> wrote:

> I always try to find the humor in dynamics like this. Surely one ironic
> aspect is that they have alienated a once hard-working committed, long time
> member because of what seems to me to be a judgmental, moralistic and
> fundamentalist mind-set towards residents who "transgress."
> 
> It's just the stuff of cohousing and something I was mostly prepared for.
> We're a bunch of sometimes unskillful volunteers with varying degrees of
> social intelligence!

Some one more familiar with organizational theory could probably pin this down 
more neatly but I’ve noticed the same thing as a stage of development related 
to “doing things myself” much like 2-6-year olds wanting to prove they are 
grownup. And take revenge on those who formerly claimed to be grown up.

It seems to occur when the organization has become stable and acheived a sold 
degree of success, the next generation of adults aged 40-50-something will need 
to claim fame by correcting the organization. They will get very 
self-righteious about something like a sign in the tot-lot that says USE AT 
YOUR OWN RISK or signs in the kitchen that say KNIVES ARE SHARP. And they will 
find a lawyer who will confirm that people with these signs have avoided 
liability in cases claiming person injury. The Fair Housing Act is used the 
same way. What it really does is prevent them from taking true responsibility 
for defining “fair” in the context of cohousing.

But it is also true that some people are doing this because they believe that 
they are saving the organization from peril and doom and don’t understand why 
anyone might criticize their signs. The signs make cohousing legal and raise it 
to the level of public recognition worthy of courtrooms.

So you need to find a way to affirm their best intentions. I’ve tried the “No 
one who doesn’t know knives are sharp will be reading the sign” argument but it 
doesn’t work. Signs are a form of magic. They are there in case you might need 
them. They keep people safe.

A phrase used on the first Trump White House by John Kelly for impossible 
presidential proposals, “Staff it out.” Things that were circulated to staff 
for comment where never seen again. You might try that before anything gets to 
the policy level. Send it to a team.

Sharon
——
Sharon Villines
Riderwood Village, Silver Spring MD