Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Preventing cohousing “neighborly awareness” from becoming surveillance (with CPS calls)

[Hafidha Sofia (hafidhaao]

This is sad and strange. It doesn’t sound like there’s any relationship here, 
hence the calling in of The State.

If the community has no language on how to address conflict, that is needed 
soon. It doesn’t matter the situation - there has to be a cultural expectation 
for how people communicate in this community. You can’t have some people 
calling 911, and others calling in family members to intimidate and others 
sending passive aggressive emails on the community email, and others publicly 
shaming…. That’s just chaos. So the community really needs to have a prevailing 
culture that is clear for folks of “this is how we do things here,” and then 
people can opt into that or not.  

Our community has a trust and communications committee that is charged with 
assembling listening circles, drafting conflict resolution protocols and 
holding “supported conversations” between residents. But first is direct 
communication.  If I have a problem with someone, the expectation is I go to 
them and talk to them - preferably face to face or phone call. Make an ask, set 
a boundary. (It’s incredible how often and how long people will be in conflict 
without ever asking for what they want or stating what their boundaries are.) 

If the parties at odds have direct conversations but find they can’t 
communicate effectively with each other, then that is when the trust and 
communications committee can be called in. They will ask questions and listen 
to the situation from the parties at odds and then determine an appropriate 
next step. They are also checking for whether this problem stems from 
interpersonal or structural. And they are looking for what impact this conflict 
is having on the community. They do not adjudicate or make any kind of 
determination of right / wrong. One or two of the members of committee may 
facilitate or be present for a Supported Conversation to help the two parties 
in conflict be in generative direct communication. They might hold a listening 
circle if more people need to be in the room. Hopefully the issues are resolved 
at this level with the committees support. 

If things escalate beyond that, and it’s at the point where it’s impacting the 
community, the community leadership may be brought into it. The leadership or 
the trust and communications team might decide to host a community circle to 
discuss the issues or educate people on what’s happening and its impact on 
community life. From that, decisions and an action plan to resolve or address 
the conflict are ideally made.

If issue is still not resolved after many months or the situation keeps 
escalating, an outside mediator might be brought in. In worst case scenarios, 
one or both parties may decide to leave the community. 

Hafidha 

Sent from my iPhone

> On Oct 11, 2025, at 11:39 AM, Kathryn Lowry via Cohousing-L <cohousing-l [at] 
> cohousing.org> wrote:
> 
> Hello all,
> 
> I’m seeking guidance on how cohousing communities keep “neighborly
> awareness” from drifting into surveillance—especially when it escalates to
> CPS calls.
> 
> *Context (specific examples):*
> 
>   -
> 
>   Our site was intentionally designed so that *every resident can observe
>   community activity from their kitchen window*—a feature we value for
>   safety and connection. Yet my neighbors have repeatedly called CPS alleging
>   neglect *because I rely on the same visibility feature they use* to
>   scrutinize my children’s outdoor play.
>   -
> 
>   During my *5th week of post-op recovery from knee surgery*, Dad was
>   handling *100% of housekeeping and caregiving* for our two children and
>   me (temporarily immobilized). During a sudden summer rain, a neighbor
>   calmly walked our younger child toward our unit (Dad met them at the door)
>   while another helped our older child close the sandbox—*no urgency, no
>   distress*. Instead of being treated as a normal act of *neighborly care
>   during a medically vulnerable period*, the incident was logged as *another
>   CPS report* alleging neglect.
> 
> *What I’m hoping to learn from this list:*
> 
>   1.
> 
>   *Community Agreements:* Do you have written norms/policies that
>   distinguish *mutual visibility for safety* from *surveillance of
>   neighbors*? Sample language welcome.
>   2.
> 
>   *Reporting Protocols:* How do you channel concerns (e.g., speak directly
>   first, use a community safety/children’s committee, mediation) before
>   external reporting? Any *decision trees* or *cooling-off steps*?
>   3.
> 
>   *Privacy & Documentation:* Policies on photographing/recording neighbors
>   or children, posting to social media, or keeping “incident logs”?
>   4.
> 
>   *Design Solutions:* Has anyone adjusted *sightlines, screening, signage,
>   or play-zone placement* to reduce friction while preserving the original
>   design intent of casual oversight?
>   5.
> 
>   *Family-Centered Practices:* Ways to support *children’s independent
>   mobility* (e.g., kitchen-window check-ins, buddy systems) without
>   shaming or over-policing parents—especially during *temporary medical
>   events* when roles shift.
>   6.
> 
>   *Governance & Remedies:* Which committees handle this? What *restorative*
>   or *educational* steps have you used (e.g., bias/assumption training,
>   “assume positive intent” agreements, appreciative check-in channels) to
>   reset culture?
>   7.
> 
>   *When CPS Is Involved:* If your community has faced *frequent or
>   unfounded CPS calls*, how have you responded as a community while still
>   honoring good-faith safety concerns?
> 
> If you can share *policy excerpts, onboarding materials, signage language,
> or flowcharts*, I’d be grateful (on-list or off-list). I’m trying to *preserve
> our design’s intent—mutual care and informal connection—without normalizing
> surveillance* or weaponizing visibility against families.
> 
> Thank you for any wisdom and documents you can offer,
> *Kathryn Lowry*
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> 
> 
>