Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: What’s so funny ‘bout peace love & understanding?

[R Philip Dowds (rpdowds]

Cornerstone Cohousing has been up and running about 15 years now, and our 32 
households (appx 50 adults, various kids) know each other pretty well.  We tend 
to know who has a sense of humor, and who is easily angered; which kids seem to 
be having a problem with a parent; who won’t eat meat, and who can’t eat 
cheese; who is a good cook; who’s living on a tight budget, and who has some 
financial flexibility; who can be trusted to follow through; who is available 
to lift heavy objects — and so on.  Moreover, the normal courtesies and 
kindnesses of coho life are well established:  We offer help to those who 
incapacitated in some way, or temporarily inconvenienced.  If a household needs 
a ride to the airport, an onion, or some emergency babysitting, a single e-mail 
usually solves the problem in five or ten minutes.

In short, our basic communication, understanding and kindness are in pretty 
good shape — at least when we’re acting as casually empathetic individuals 
dealing with ordinary episodes of residential life.  But as a community …

As a community, we still have some problems when it comes to doing community 
business with each other.  Like most cohos, we celebrate diversity — and, we 
have it.  Retired households have needs and interests differing from families 
with young kids  Values about investing (more) money in the community, or 
levels of maintenance, differ greatly — and not necessarily in proportion to 
how much money a household has.  Some people prefer to operate within a context 
of well-defined procedures and groups; others prefer informality, spontaneity, 
and addressing special cases with common sense, not rules.  These foundational 
value differences, poorly managed, can and do lead to hostility, or paralysis, 
or withdrawal from participation.  In my opinion, Cornerstone could benefit 
from some improved cultural mechanisms to help us deal better with our 
differences.

So I would agree that a pathological fixation on “problems” and “difficult 
people” and “violent communication” is bad for coho life.  But I am not yet on 
board with the notion that ordinary kindnesses and casual empathy will, by 
themselves, lead us out of the woods of controversy.

Thanks,
Philip Dowds
Cornerstone Village Cohousing
Cambridge, MA

> On Feb 15, 2016, at 1:50 PM, castrohom--- via Cohousing-L <cohousing-l [at] 
> cohousing.org> wrote:
> 
> 
> I find this thread thoroughly thought provoking
> In our own newly forming community there was an emphasis on conflict 
> resolution and non-violent this or that - which inevitably focusses on - well 
> resolving conflict and violence. And it made some of us uneasy.
> We had some interesting discussions about this issue that included pondering 
> on what might happen if there were a more active focus on enhancing goodwill 
> and kindness and all those other fine community building qualities.
> Our Process Committee changed it’s name to CUE: Communication and 
> Understanding Enhancement.
> The mission of the Process Working Group is to create healthy communication 
> within our community through ongoing education, evaluation, and process 
> improvement.
> We agreed that it was not intended to resolve issues that arise but to 
> reinforce the need for healthy communication within the group. 
> The hope is that through good communication practices we can often resolve 
> differences with win-win compromises. Our processes must meet the needs of a 
> variety of personalities each with their own tolerance and method of 
> addressing conflict. For example, some people are more comfortable dealing 
> with strong feelings in writing rather than in a discussion.
> We are not expecting to be conflict-free but focussing on the good will and 
> kindness has definitely made me a better person.
> 
> Our ‘wordle’ based on a community survey about what is important to 
> individuals in our group about living in community
> 
> 
> Warm wishes!
> 
> Miranda
> Gainesville Cohousing
> 
> On Feb 14, 2016, at 2:27 AM, John Carver <jcarver [at] islandnet.com> wrote:
> 
>> 
>> On 11/02/2016 10:38 AM, Igor Cerny... observed, if I may paraphrase, that 
>> while postings to coho-L have a lot about the mechanics of creating and 
>> maintaining cohousing, "what I don’t see as often are discussions about such 
>> things as kindness or civility within communities."
>> 
>> In fact there often are discussions about dealing with difficult people, who 
>> may be unkind or uncivil, but I don't think that's quite what he's getting 
>> at.
>> 
>> Perhaps there's an underlying assumption that anyone wanting cohousing wants 
>> an atmosphere of kindness and civility so it's not worth discussing. Or is 
>> it that we don't know how to create it?
>> 
>> It's long been my view that we can engineer environments but we can't 
>> engineer people. To illustrate, we can design a common house that we 
>> perceive to be welcoming and that invites warm and friendly interactions, 
>> but we can't design how people will feel or interact within that space.
>> 
>> John Carver
>> Pacific Gardens Cohousing, Nanaimo, BC
>> http://pacificgardens.ca/
>> (a warm and friendly environment)
>> 
>> _________________________________________________________________
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>> 
>> 
> 
> _________________________
> Miranda Castro
> Mailing: 2349 NW 32nd Place, 
>            Gainesville, FL 32605 
> Phone: 352-505-8545
> Email: mirandacastro [at] aol.com
> 
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>