What’s so funny ‘bout peace love & understanding?
From: iggypopsa1 (iggypopsa1aol.com)
Date: Thu, 11 Feb 2016 10:38:11 -0800 (PST)
I try to read these posts fairly often, but have to admit Imiss a lot of them 
too.  So I have seen a lot ofthreads about matters such as 
starting/financing/building/growing communities, sustainability,being green, 
meals, consensus, work share, etc. And I often read that it’s important to 
contribute to your community interms of work, coming to meetings, attending 
meals, etc.    However,what I don’t see as often are discussions about such 
things as kindness or civilitywithin communities.  In fact, I searchedthe 
coho-L archives using words such as “kindness”, “gentle”, “gentleness”, 
“civility”and found posts that were only as recent as 8-10 years ago depending 
upon theword I used.


So, not to sound too much like a touchy-feely tree-hugginglefty, I don’t mean 
things like hugging all community members you encounter ona daily basis and 
effusively telling them that you love them.  I really do mean just plain old 
civility& kindness.   And I know it’s easy to be kind and civil topeople you 
really like.  But what aboutthose that you don’t like or don’t like you? Or 
people who tend to be argumentative and confrontational ?  Doesn't kindness & 
civility apply to all, "nice" or "not nice"?  And couldn’t it be argued that 
the foundation ofcohousing deep down is built upon people looking after people 
and thus thatimplies kindness & civility?    Andthat those aspects are as 
important (if not more important) as work projects ormeals?  I believe 
attending meals ormeetings or work days – activities considered staples of 
community-enhancing  – can become community-weakening experiences if there is a 
lack ofcivility & kindness from even just one or two individuals.


And I also know you can’t regulate, mandate, enforcecivility/kindness.  But I 
would be curiousto hear from communities or individuals out there who have 
grappled or haveconsidered grappling with these concepts. Can civility/kindness 
ever become an “expectation” or some sort or sharedvalue, or community norm 
that is generally accepted as being just as importantas attending a meal or a 
work project?  Andfor those individuals who seem to struggle with 
civility/kindness – how toapproach these folks?  Simply toleratethem?  Do an 
“intervention”?  Other ideas?


Also concerning to me is that in discussing community issuesor arguing pros and 
cons about processes, some people can become uncivil,unkind, and that sometimes 
it’s all just chalked up to “oh well, every community hasconflict, so it’s just 
conflict, no biggie.” Well of course every community of people will always have 
conflict.  But I would argue that in cohousing it is especiallyimportant for 
the community’s well-being for individuals to be civil to one another (not like 
one another) especially in times of disagreement which is the hardest.  So I 
can disagree with you but when I need to  “take you down”I think everyone 
loses.   But of course we are human beings withemotions and triggers, so we 
will always have instances when we lose ourcool.  But how to address that and 
remedy that when ithappens?  Have communities/individualsgrappled with these 
issues?


Thanks in advance for any thoughts, experiences, or feedbackyou can provide.


Igor


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