Cohousing-L Mailing List: Breeching interpersonal Boundaries

[Rob Sandelin (floriferous]

I could not disagree more that unhealthy personal boundaries are  more
likely in communes. In my work, which takes me to all kinds of communities
doing relationship and decision making work I see almost the opposite. I see
cohousing groups most often have the most dysfunctional problems around
personal boundaries, mainly in the form of not acknowleging and talking
about them as group work. There is this common thread in cohousing, which
goes like this: I do not  want to do group work on relationships.

Here is a classic problem example: A cohousing group has a member whose
behaviors are causing enormous conflicts and problems in the group. The
group as a whole is unwilling to examine these behaviors, because many
individuals in the group do not want to have the group examining behaviors
of individuals. When I ask, "would you be willing to receive feedback
(gently and with caring) about behaviors that cause problems for others,"
the answer cohousing groups often give is very mixed and usually is mostly
on the NO side of the scale.

When I ask this same question in communes, the answer has always been
strongly on the YES side of the scale. Thus communes have the will and tools
to work through  this, and cohousing groups often just flounder in it, with
much talking behind the back, and private griping about it until the person
with the behaviors either drives  everybody else away or leaves themselves
because their relationships are shot.

The privacy aspect of cohousing, in my opinion, attracts people who really
don't want to do relationship work, even when relationships are pretty
damaged. So this is an example where a personal boundary is unhealthy for
the community.

>From my observations of more than a dozen communes, in order to be
successful in that environment you quickly have to set clear personal
boundaries. The environment more of less forces you to do that. In order to
live in a cohousing group you do not, and often it is unclarity about
personal boundaries that cause the greatest conflicts in cohousing. A
classic example of this is the person who buys  a cohousing unit after the
community is built and living together for awhile. They often have huge
adjustments to make, because often the underlying current of the boundaries
are not told to prospective buyers. For example, one community undercurrent
is how the group expects people to engage  in work. If you are not a "jump
right in and get involved" type, then often the undercurrent is that you are
a lazy, noncontributor.

Rob Sandelin
Community Works! Group process workshops for social change groups
Check out the resources at: Http://www.ic.org/nica/cw1.htm

-----Original Message-----
From: cohousing-l-admin [at] cohousing.org
[mailto:cohousing-l-admin [at] cohousing.org]On Behalf Of Hans Tilstra
Sent: Thursday, May 10, 2001 10:06 PM
To: cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org
Subject: Re: [C-L]_What's wrong with communes vs. families


> It seems to me that all of the above [ breach of healthy interpersonal
boundaries] occurs often enough in families.
> Yet, we don't claim that all families are bad, or that we should
> avoid using the word 'family'.

. I am convinced that in both families & communes the breach of healthy
interpersonal boundaries is harmful, particularly when the two have
children.

My hypothesis is that unhealthy interpersonal boundaries are more likely in
communes. Hence my attraction to cohousing, as it builds in privacy &
community. I like the healthy financial boundaries, the clever use of space,
the selection & consultation process. I like the level of informed consent,
the level of collaboration, the intelligence of the typical cohouser and I
particularly like the nuances in the above listed.

Hans
tilstra [at] smartchat.net.au






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