Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: conflict resolution process

[Kay Argyle (argyle]

> If someone has a complaint, do they feel comfortable bringing it up at
meetings? If not, you can start with exercises in the books mentioned
recently on consensus and facilitation that begin to allow people to share
more openly in a group.

Sharing is a two-way street. A child learns to resent the requirement to
share toys if other children are permitted to break them, make fun of them,
or refuse to give them back.

Our members are reading Building United Judgment in preparation for study
sessions on concensus.  We've done exercises similar to the ones in the
book.  Like most community building exercises, they are about offering
trust -- sharing things.  There is a neglected second step -- the
responsibilities of the person accepting trust.

Where are the exercises in taking care of what someone has shared?  in
respecting other people's right to be different?  in interpreting criticism
as a wish to ensure success instead of as a personal attack?  in saying that
if a policy doesn't work for even just one member, it doesn't work for the
group?  in following through on commitments?

The sine qua non in a trusting relationship is *being trustworthy.*  Without
that, the more trust offered by the other member of the relationship, the
more destructive the relationship gets.

Kay
Wasatch Commons,

where I didn't open my mouth at our last meeting, because I trusted members
to behave as they've behaved before -- and sure enough, the person who
wanted to know why this time was going to be different than all the times
before, got crucified.

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