Cohousing-L Mailing List: Managing Outbursts in Meetings

[Lynn Nadeau (welcome]

(Prefatory note: we are a built group with a fairly high degree of 
satisfaction about our meetings and discussions, and a good facilitation 
team.)

Cohousing seems to attract many people with strong opinions and feelings. 
One result is that from time to time, someone reacts to what's going on 
in a meeting, process-wise, with an emotion-laden outburst. Even if they 
wait to be called on, the quality of the statement is upsetting, because 
it's layered with some sort of personal emotional baggage. It's often in 
the form of an accusation or a strong judgement. 

I'm not talking about normal attempts at influencing process: Why don't 
we discuss this in two parts, instead of all together? Or, We seem to be 
substantially in agreement, could we test for consensus before further 
discussion? I'm fidgety, can we take a stretch break? Or, I'm feeling 
impatient with this process. Though we allow the facilitator to make the 
decision, we regularly offer suggestions or observations regarding 
process. 

I'm talking about hot buttons: There you go again! or This is a waste of 
our time! or [Joe] shouldn't have said that! This is absurd! or other 
stuff that suddenly activates emotional baggage and seems, to most 
observers, to be out of line, and is definitely not matter-of-fact in 
tone, nor simply passionate with conviction. 

It's not just one "problem" person, but several different ones who have 
at some time been unable to avoid this. 

This doesn't come up for us often, but EVER is too often as far as I'm 
concerned. Everyone ends up feeling rattled, some tend to take sides, the 
outburster can then feel victimized or embarrassed as well. People like 
me, who were raised in homes where no one raised their voice unless the 
world was about to end, can be so shaken that they can't concentrate for 
the rest of the meeting. We always process it later, and try to work out 
ways to avoid it, but I'm thinking it would be good if we noticed that it 
CAN happen and had a contingency plan. 

One idea I have is that when someone has an up-welling of such an 
emotional commentary, they signal their distress (waving hands in air, 
like Stop! Stop!) and choose someone to step outside with them, hear 
their venting, and then return to the group with them (or without) and 
"translate" the concern back to the group, minus the emotional overlay. 
"Help! I need a translator!" 

This seems like it could satisfy the vent-er's need to immediately 
unburden themselves, get the essence of their concern heard, and spare 
all concerned a certain embarrassment and reverberation.

Has any group tried this, or an alternative, in such cases? I emphasize 
that this is exceptional, in our group, but we'd be better off with a 
plan. Ideas? 



Lynn Nadeau, RoseWind Cohousing
Port Townsend Washington (Victorian seaport, music, art, nature)
http://www.rosewind.org
http://www.ptguide.com

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