Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Managing Outbursts in Meetings

[Howard Landman (howard]

> But if there were no heat and no kettle where would we be? Nowhere.
> 
> I really like to know how people are feeling. Our feelings are who we are.
> Frankly, I find it hard to believe people are even paying attention when
> they are being nice-nice all the time. It seems so disconnected.

One dimension in which relationship styles differ is how confrontational
they are.  Sometimes called high-interactivity versus low-interactivity
or high-maintenance vs low maintenance.

A high-maintenance person requires constant interaction or they feel
something's wrong.  They may even start fights or arguments just to
increase the interaction level.  For them, "you're not saying anything"
means "you don't care about me".

A low-maintenance person sees peace as a measure of goodness.  To them,
any fight is a sign that the relationship has broken down severely and
is not working anymore.  Especially frustrating and disconcerting are
fights "over nothing".  In this case it feels to them that the other
person is being intentionally unpleasant and cruel.

So I think Sharon is stating the high-maintenance point of view, but
it would be awfully narrow-minded to believe that everyone is, or
should be, that way.

There also seems to be a divide here along the Meyers-Briggs thinking
versus feeling axis, with Sharon stating the F position:

> Our feelings are who we are.

But a T (like me) doesn't see the world that way at all.  Emotions
originate largely in the most primitive parts of the brain.  Reptiles have
feelings, can get angry, or jealous.  But they don't think.  What makes
us most human is our thought, not our feelings.  I am much, much more
than just my feelings, and a statement to the contrary is liable to
make me feel that the speaker wants us all to act like wild animals.
Emotions have value, they make good advisors; but they make very poor
masters.

I believe that consensus in a large group requires finding a way
to honor and respect both sides of each of these divisions, or maybe
more accurately to embrace the whole spectrum between those endpoints.
Sitting at one end and saying "I'm right and you're wrong" does
little to further communication or agreement.

        Howard A. Landman
        River Rock Commons
        Fort Collins, CO
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