Cohousing-L Mailing List: Individual versus group needs and wants

[Gary Kent (garykent]

I love the theory and philosophy of consensus.  Everyone is heard, all
opinions are respected etc., etc.,  However........

How about a group member who sounds like a broken record - same thing over
and over again.  Things are complicated by the member not having a terrific
memory for facts, resorting to hyperbolic language and often being out of
the information loop  (not on e-mail) by choice.  I'm sure someone will tell
me that the reason this is continuing to happen must be because the person
obviously has not REALLY been heard, not listened to with respect etc.,

How about the person who knows they have been heard when the group does as
they say, and until the group does the particular action or makes a certain
decision they will continue to go on ad nauseum.  I.e "I know I have been
heard when the group does what I ask".  What do you do then?

Add to that new members who have not heard the cry before and when they see
a member in this state immediately want to fix things for the person.

Add this to the already challenging, risky, exhausting, time consuming and
stressful development stage and you've got a perfect recipe for head
banging.

A good friend of mine says that Consensus is a call to maturity.  I
wholeheartedly agree.  Self awareness is sadly lacking in our culture.  In
my experience using a consensus process when there is not much self
awareness present can be extremely frustrating.

I'm very much in favour of finding a new model of decision making and do
believe that consensus and sociocracy are the models for the future,
however.....

I really do wish the process worked the way Gail Holmes expresses it:
<If they are given space and respect then they will learn to give it back to
the group. Things will flow. If they like red and everyone else likes green
it still needs to be "heard" and understood. Maybe there is an interesting
reason for it.>

Sadly in my experience the interesting reason is some old wounding and
nothing short of two or three years of intensive therapy will shift it.

I'm sounding pretty cynical today I know, ah well where are those rose
tinted glasses anyway?

Mary Sorehead
Shadow Commons Cohousing.
Forgive the pseudonym,  trying to avoid hurt feelings.

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