Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Secrecy in Cohousing Records

[Becky Weaver (beckyweaver]

Hi Norm,

> I was fired from a committee because I spoke about
> my concerns ... I was a traitor
> to my fellow committee 
> members.  The people with the loudest voices and the
> most aggressive manner 
> get to call the shots, and if I don't like it, I am
> overruled ... common decency does not prevail.

Based on your comments here, it is apparent that while
your community may have policy problems, they are
arising from interpersonal conflicts.

Fixing these policies, even if they are revised to
your entire satisfaction, will not fix the
interpersonal conflicts. These unresolved conflicts
will inevitably lead to more policies and behavior
that you will find objectionable. You must address the
interpersonal stuff. Better policies will not solve
it.  

You can't resolve interpersonal conflicts by making
other people change. The only factors that you can
affect are your own personal behavior, responses,
perspective, etc.

That means that the only way through the situations
you are in is for you, personally, to change the way
you are handling these situations. It matters not at
all if your behavior is justified, natural, and
understandable -- it is not working. If you continue
to behave in the same way, it will continue to not
work. 

It is likely that you are making points and bringing
up issues that are important for your community to
hear. You may be playing a valuable role in bringing
up things that others would prefer to let slide. You
might also be playing a role as the community
scapegoat, which is extremely stressful and makes
being heard even harder. One way or another, it sounds
like you're expressing yourself in a way that makes
your truths extremely difficult for others to hear or
work with. Unfair though it may be, fixing that is
solely your responsibility. 

If changing the way you behave or interpret others'
behavior is not an option, be it due to personal
philosophy, health status, your life history, or some
other reason, then it sounds to me like you are at an
impasse. If the only ways you can actively address an
interpersonal problem violate your nature, then
perhaps the best solution is withdraw from the
relationship, if only temporarily. Breathe, nurture
yourself, try to get some perspective and think about
what you can do differently. 

To do that, you have to let go of trying to control or
even effect the outcome of future committee meetings
for a while. That can be hard, but think about it -
you're not getting the outcome you want now, either. 

It may be that without you there being a focus of
attention, others will discover on their own the
merits of what you have been saying. Maybe people will
find that problems they thought were "about you" are
actually inherent to the community's structure, and
take steps to repair it that don't involve making you
a scapegoat. 

Or, you may find that nobody else shares your concerns
at all, and without your input the whole community
moves in a very different direction from what you
want. In which case, you must ask yourself whether
pushing the other community members to adopt your
vision, which they do not otherwise want, is really
possible or worthwhile. 

I do not say these things to blame you for the
situation you find yourself in. For whatever reason,
this is where you are. Even if other people are
behaving in authoritarian and uncommonly indecent
ways, your solution must *still* be to change the way
you you relate to them. If you can't figure out how or
what to do on your own, there are people and tools
that can help. It will take time and hard work. But it
is the only way. 

Sincerely,

Becky Weaver
Kaleidoscope Village
Austin, Texas