Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: communication guidelines

[Ken Cameron-Bell (kcameronbell]

Hello Elana,

Here are the guidelines we have developed to work through conflicts, and we
have had to follow this process several times. It is good to have something
in place.

Ken Cameron-Bell at Daybreak Cohousing in Portland, OR

*Guidelines for Working with Differences among Individual Members*

*Actions*

At times, members of this community may discover that we are in conflict
with specific other members, or with groups of members. In response to this
we will:

A. Communicate directly to the person or persons we have a disagreement with
as soon as possible in an effort to resolve the conflict, and not complain
or gossip with others (this is known as “triangulating”).

— or —

Get help in communicating through one or more of the following options:

   1.

   Ask another member for personal support. This could be in the form of
   acting as a listening presence or getting help in thinking through how to
   communicate with the person or persons with whom we differ. It is important
   not to let this form of support become triangulation. The key things that
   make for triangulation are:
   -

      Taking on and believing the views of the person asking for support.
      -

      Suggesting ways to work around the other person, rather than having a
      direct dialogue with them.
      -

      Believing that the person asking for support is not able to act on
      their own behalf, i.e. you see yourself as needing to rescue them.
      -

      Sometimes listening supportively can become counterproductive. This
      can happen when someone is complaining for long periods of time without
      talking to the other person directly, or you believe their dispute is
      affecting their relationships in the community. If you think this is
      happening, let them know what you are thinking and check out your
      assumptions with them. If they are still not willing to address their
      concerns directly with the other person or persons, talk with the Process
      Team or Community Communications Project Team to get help.
      2.

   Ask a member acceptable to all parties to facilitate a brainstorming
   session to figure out a solution.
   3.

   Ask one or more members acceptable to all parties to act as informal
   mediators. This would mean that they help us by acting as impartial
   listeners, and helping all people involved find ways to listen to each other
   and be heard in return.
   4.

   Ask someone acceptable to all parties to invite all parties for a bread
   breaking and appreciation gathering.
   5.

   Ask the community if they are willing to sit as listening presences while
   all parties talk to each other.
   6.

   Use Resolutions Northwest for outside mediators. They use panels of two
   trained mediators. The mediators will help you communicate with each other
   and come to a resolution, if that is what you desire. They will not decide
   anything for you. This is a free service.
   7.

   Ask the Steering Team and/or Process Team for an outside, impartial
   facilitator to help plan a meeting to work toward resolution.
   8.

   Suggest another option to the people you are differing with, or to the
   Process Team.
   9.

   Ask the Process Team for help.

We believe that disagreements are opportunities for learning, each person
may see things others do not, and that each person may be contributing to a
problem and not be aware of it. We seek to resolve differences through free
and informed choice, using processes that lead to each person being
internally committed to any resulting agreements. We speak and act with
compassion, and begin by assuming that everyone is trying to act with
integrity. We use Roger Schwarz’ Nine Ground Rules to guide us.

B. A conflict is resolved when the following minimum conditions are met:

   -

   Both parties have worked at reconciliation;
   -

   Both parties have agreed to move on.

C. If a conflict remains unresolved following one-on-one or mediated
conversations, community members can come to the PT to develop a strategy
for addressing the issues in a timely manner. The PT strives to maintain an
atmosphere of safety and impartiality. PT members with a conflict of
interest or who cannot remain impartial will not participate in the
committee’s process. PT members may withdraw from a process on their own,
and will be expected to withdraw if so requested by a party in the conflict.

The PT is empowered to hire an outside facilitator as the Daybreak budget
permits. Individuals can request the support of the PT to take an issue to a
community meeting for resolution. This will be done when other avenues are
not working and the conflict may harm the work of the community. This does
not mean that all members of the community must be good friends at all
times.

D. If a community member is not satisfied with the PT’s response, he or she
may request that the community place the issue on a community meeting
agenda. Discussions before the full group may require an outside
facilitator.

E. If the conflict continues to be unresolved, the PT will meet separately
with the individuals to find out what each needs to stay connected with the
community and will facilitate a process toward community agreements to meet
their needs, if possible. Community members commit to taking responsibility
for their part in a conflict. We commit to maintaining a positive
relationship to the community as a whole in so far as possible while working
through our differences with other individuals. In particular, we agree not
to mobilize others to be in conflict as a way of resolving differences.


On Fri, Nov 19, 2010 at 2:59 AM, Elana <ekann [at] bellsouth.net> wrote:

>
> Hi, I'm wondering if any cohousing communities have developed a set of
> guidelines or standards for respectful communication among residents. It
> seems like it could be helpful at times to spell out our minimal
> expectations, so that we are able to say something like, "When you can
> follow our guidelines we'll be glad to listen to what you have to say." I'd
> love to see what others have come up with, and how well it works in
> practice.
>
>
>
> --Elana Kann at Westwood Cohousing, Asheville, NC
>
> _________________________________________________________________
> Cohousing-L mailing list -- Unsubscribe, archives and other info at:
> http://www.cohousing.org/cohousing-L/
>
>
>