Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Screening prospective members for sexual abuse in their background

[Chris Hansen (itschrishansen]

To follow up- i realize my communication on this was terse.
And how much more effective had I validated and acknowledged the pain of
trauma and abuse expressed! Thanks to those of you who graciously 'called
us in' to acknowledging the underlying human needs- for safety and
protection particularly in the wake of personal pain, betrayal and trauma.
As others have articulated already, background checks only reveal those who
have been caught, and oft-times don't acknowledge the webs of pain,
injustice and trauma.
As most of us who've lived in community for some time can attest, it can
bring out both the best and the worst in us. If we're looking for the
worst, we'll find it.
I'm all for finding ways to make sure the people who come to live among us
are a 'good fit'- mostly to do with heart and passion for community,
willingness to listen and make the sorts of concessions
consensus decision-making requires, and also to 'lean in' to the
never-ending demand for 'one more task', as well as in conflict and
difficult times (rather than withdrawing or digging in toes). Being _very_
clear that new residents know and are willing to commit to the convoluted
ways of our community.
Most of us also know that a good proportion of us come with our own quirks,
diversity, and eccentricity- some of which have been diagnosed and/or
medicated.ANd ofttimes, in my opinion, this (having been
diagnosed/medicated) is a desirable quality/qualification because it can
lead to empathy, understanding, toleraince and a willingness to be present
to others going through hard times. AND of course, hard times,
unpredictable behaviour and cognitive deterioration can happen to any of us
and does so unpredictably.
To me successfully navigating CoHousing is as much about supporting one
another to live and be our best selves. Finding ways to support, navigate
conflict. This includes supporting our children to protect themselves and
to stand up for their rights, as well as taking decisive action if a person
has caused harm.
This is such a learning journey for us all- we are the ones 'writing the
handbooks'
Cheers
Chris


On Mon, 28 Feb 2022 at 11:43, Chris Hansen <itschrishansen [at] gmail.com> 
wrote:

> With all due respect, wIth that logic, many of us women, (many of whom
> have been abused by multiple men), would do the same for any man turning up
> wanting to join the community.
> Help me understand how this is different?
>
> On Sun, 27 Feb 2022 at 15:23, Jim Bronson <jimbronsonashland [at] gmail.com>
> wrote:
>
>> Wow, interesting sharings on the listserv showing how we can see this
>> issue
>> so differently.  Thanks to all who have weighed in.  I believe getting
>> this
>> mentionable and considered will strengthen our communities.
>>
>> Full disclosure: I was sexually abused by a dear person to me who happened
>> to be a catholic priest.  To be completely clear, if a catholic priest
>> showed up as a prospective member at River Song I would be needing to find
>> out about his relationship history, any behavioral treatment he may have
>> experienced, and what his addictions may be.
>>
>> Does that disadvantage anybody?  Does that discriminate against people who
>> have grown and learned after a mistake made earlier in their lives?  I am
>> sorry for that, if it is so, but this is the best I can do in a complex
>> situation where I feel justified in building a safe environment and being
>> more at ease from predatory assaults.
>>
>> Thanks for considering this difficult and nuanced issue.  I would love to
>> continue a respectful exchange with any who will
>>
>> Jim Bronson
>> River Song Cohousing Community
>> Eugene, Oregon
>> jimbronsonashland [at] gmail.com
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>>
>>
>>
>
> --
> Chris Hansen
> 32 East Village Drive
> Burlington
> Vermont 05401
> USA
>
> Ph 603 3988730
>


-- 
Chris Hansen
32 East Village Drive
Burlington
Vermont 05401
USA

Ph 603 3988730