Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Cohousing-L Digest, Vol 236, Issue 8

[Elizabeth Magill (pastorlizm]

I don't really know what you mean by higher or lower values.

I do think there are many very different types of conflicts.

When we talked about parking, many people realized that they don't
mind walking further to their cars, and left places for others to park
closer. There is still anxiety about whether we have enough spaces,
but not much conflict--hearing other's needs changed some behaviors.
Choosing to park further away is not very hard for the people who can
easily walk the distance.

In my case, with a shared porch that is kept messy, I discovered by
talking to the messy folk that they believe they are trying as hard as
they can to clear off the porch. So I realized that it's just not
every going to happen. So I live with it and don't let it bother me.
Choosing to clean up a mess when you have too much stuff and a small
house is VERY hard. It might even be a personality trait.

Also, At the same time my husband is still upset. So it's resolved for
me, but not for everyone.
Please notice also that sometimes a situation is resolved by the
person wanting the rules followed realizing it isn't going to happen.
It's not always that the non-rules follower is who changes.

We also have dishes between meals problem. We finally created a job
for someone to do dishes between meals, and when we get volunteers for
that, it solves the problem. But sometimes we don't get volunteers for
that job, and the dishes pile up. Also, some people are really
bothered that this is letting "people get away with being rude to the
rest of us". So again, I feel it's resolved but some people don't feel
it's resolved. This one is hard because we don't know who has left the
dishes.

We also have a rule that you can't drive past the "don't drive past
these signs" signs. I agreed to follow that rule. But I don't. My
walkway is just about 10 feet past the sign. I pull forward all the
time. I don't know if people are annoyed that I do it. I also don't
know why I agreed to it. I guess it seemed reasonable. But now a few
years later, I assume it's okay, since no one has complained.

But one thing I know about my community is that people are really
reticent to tell people they are upset that you don't follow the
rules. So maybe lots of people talk about the way I never follow this
agreement.
-Liz
Mosaic Commons in Berlin, MA
www.elizabethmaemagill.com
508-450-0431

On Tue, Sep 12, 2023 at 6:30 PM Ed Sutton via Cohousing-L
<cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org> wrote:
>
> Diana, thank you for saying this clearly.
> I wonder how this issue plays out in Scandinavian cohousing?
> Is there perhaps a cultural expectation to be aware of one’s behavior and how 
> it impacts on others?
>
> Lately I’ve been thinking about Maslow’s Pyramid of values, and how it might 
> apply to cohousing culture.
> One does not reach the higher value levels by omitting lower, basic values.
>
> In co-housing it seems the claim of “higher value” can overrule the need for 
> basic rules of order in process and responsibility.
>
> The result of not having clear ground rules is that every disagreement 
> becomes, ultimately, an ad hominem argument.
> Thus there is the great concern that disagreements not be openly faced by the 
> community. And lots of passive-aggressive behavior.
>
> It is beautiful to move into a community that espouses high values and 
> missions.
> But when in practice the real rule is “We don’t have rules, and we’ll all 
> just keep doing like we do, and you’re expected to fit in and get along,” 
> some folks may end up disillusioned by the high-floating value claims.
>
> It’s worth noting that religious communities espouse high values, and they 
> also have extremely clear rules about basic behaviors.
> Is it possible that these basic rules are in fact the necessary prerequisite 
> for a community to honestly aspire toward higher values?
>
> Ed Sutton
> Eno Commons Durham NC
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> > Message: 1
> > Date: Sun, 10 Sep 2023 08:39:23 -0400
> > From: Diana Carroll <dianaecarroll [at] gmail.com>
> > To: cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org
> > Subject: Re: [C-L]_ Consequences ?
> > Message-ID:
> >       <CAAJBS=9gTdDxs8bWK+uHnxvvZLZ8kTgEb5-knEL_U3+nnBumOg [at] 
> > mail.gmail.com>
> > Content-Type: text/plain; charset="UTF-8"
> >
> > Ted says "So if someone violates it, those who made the policy need to
> > contact the
> > one who did it and hear what's going on and share what the impact is of
> > violations."
> >
> > I hear this a LOT in cohousing, carrying the strong implication that people
> > would start behaving differently if only the could understand the impact of
> > their behavior. In practice, I've found this to be true way less often than
> > I'd been led to believe. I'm starting to believe this is The Big Lie about
> > living in community. ?
> >
> > Diana
> > Mosaic Commons Berlin MA
> >
>
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