Re: Types of conflict in cohousing -- did I miss any? (Mariana's questions) | <– Date –> <– Thread –> |
From: Mary Baker, Solid Communications (marysolid-communications.com) | |
Date: Sat, 23 Jan 2016 08:27:37 -0800 (PST) |
Thanks, Mariana. Your comments and questions are very helpful. Let me try to answer your questions as best I can. Re the topic of consequences, I was not referring to the levying of punishment toward people that don’t cooperate or “fit in”. Just the opposite, in fact. I am referring to a lack of consequences for established residents who for some reason give themselves permission to target, bully and insult others. This ties into conflict avoidance because people don’t want to take a stand when this kind of thing happens—not even a mild, “hey that’s not okay”. But these are two sides of the same coin, aren’t they? I’ll mention them both the workbook. Re compelled behavior: I was actually thinking of pressure to conform to unspoken and unspecified behaviors—like expecting everyone to be very social all the time. Re non-transparent communication: I think F2F is the heart and soul of a community, but I do believe that vilifying technology and those who like to use it is intolerant, not to mention positively Luddite. I also believe that communities are complex structures and that there should be clear, archived, and non-edited communication. For one of our more complex general meetings, I took my mp3 recorder and was glad I did, because several people specifically asked to have their comments included in the minutes, and yet ... they were not. The mp3 file is now available on our website as a link to cloud storage (it’s rather large). Another example of transparency: I was on the security team and we had a rash of petty thefts, and of course the predictable hue and cry. However, not only did everyone have an opinion, some were speaking for the community, as in “We don’t want this, no one wants that, we talked about that years ago.” But we have quite a few new families with young children, so I knew I wasn’t getting a good sampling. I used SurveyMonkey.com to craft a survey and sent it around, to give the team some guidance and insight into what people really want. I ended up doing a follow-up survey, at the request of some residents. And then a neighboring coho asked me to do one for them, which I was pleased to do. Meanwhile people in my own community were anonymously leaving insulting comments about me on the survey form. Now we are installing more lights and some security cameras, and the surveys and decisions are stored on the team page. I chose to withdraw from the team after that because it was clear that people were targeting me with their displeasure and fear of change, instead of addressing the real issues—mainly that we’re in a Bermuda Triangle between three drug rehabs and crime here is on the rise. (Well, we ORDERED a camera but when it arrived the new team leader couldn’t figure out how to use it so she sent it back. Sigh.) Without this kind of archived information, the loudest voices in the community hold sway, simply because they can shout down everyone else. Btw, I’m 60 years old and find all these tasks extremely easy to perform, so age is not an excuse! Re: Old Guard elitism – yes an unwillingness to change or even discuss new ideas. As I mentioned, we have some new families (and newborns!) which is refreshing as our first flock of chicks are grown and have flown the nest. Some people are still clinging, however, to the most ridiculous things, from how people refer to the community buildings (the gym must always be called ‘MPR’) to a brown, crusty, disgusting first aid kit. Anyway, it’s not the details that are the issue—it’s the intolerance of change. Thank you again for your questions and comments! Mary From: Mariana Almeida Sent: Friday, January 22, 2016 1:58 PM To: Mary Baker, Solid Communications Subject: Re: [C-L]_ Types of conflict in cohousing -- did I miss any? I like your list, Mary. This is potentially a very useful list for groups! Here are some thoughts, below. A workshop I took talked about these as the main sources of conflicts in teams: Roles Goals Expectations Style For ease of remembering, I might group the ones you mention into these categories, plus I added one called "Lack of skills" Roles Here, I might add: Unclear expectation for committees, leaders in committees, that sort of thing...as you mention below: team tsars Goals: Confusion of where cohousing is social and where it is a business-like thing - so not knowing what is the goal for specific activities. As you said: For instance, some people like everything to be quantified (work hours, etc) and others like things to be inspirational. Some of the problems mentioned are that team leaders set themselves up as Team Tsars and never relinquish control, some people harshly judge others for not participating socially, and so on. Expectations * Absence of normal consequences — the absence of consequences you find in "real world" scenarios like businesses, non-profits, social organizations -- What is that consequence you're thinking? Cohousing has social consequences of someone becoming isolated, but they can't be fired... * Compelled behaviors and expectations - -- I would clarify as: lack of buy in for agreements and its attendant lack of follow through Style: * Conflict avoidance, instead of real conflict resolution * Culture clashes — most often seen in team leadership, turf ownership, and participation. Often related to differing management styles. Sometimes people of different nationalities approach management and participation with very different expectations. * Non-transparent channels of communication — often caused by fear of technology and digital communication. Leads to proliferation of gossip, cliques, and manipulation -- My comment on this one is that it idealizes digital communication a bit much. A cohesive group can run well without digital communications, but it's more laborious. Can you restate this in a more neutral manner? Is it about non-inclusive communications rather than the media type? Or a style of communication? Lack of skills: * Lack of sensitive conflict management — some communities that do have conflict resolution processes only apply them to material disputes, and not to emotional hurt * Over-reacting to minor skirmishes – trying to enforce new rules for everyone instead of negotiating a minor dispute -- I would comment this is a lack of skill related to "right-sizing" the intervention, plus a dash of conflict avoidance. * Old Guard elitism -- what is this one about? Unwillingness to change? Not sure where to slot it. The only unique one to cohousing is probably the lack of consequences for bad actions, though some workplaces also share this characteristic. Your book sounds interesting! Let us know when it's ready! Best, Mariana Berkeley Cohousing, Calif ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ From: "Mary Baker, Solid Communications" <mary [at] solid-communications.com> To: cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org Sent: Thursday, January 21, 2016 1:14 PM Subject: [C-L]_ Types of conflict in cohousing -- did I miss any? I'm very close to finishing the DIY Conflict Resolution Workbook! Shooting for publication next week! Meanwhile, I have a section at the end called Notes for Cohousing Communities in which I talk about problems specific to these types of communities. Here is a list of problems that can generate conflict, culled from my own experience and submitted by others. Can you think of any that I have not included? * Conflict avoidance, instead of real conflict resolution * Absence of normal consequences — the absence of consequences you find in "real world" scenarios like businesses, non-profits, social organizations. * Culture clashes — most often seen in team leadership, turf ownership, and participation. Often related to differing management styles. For instance, some people like everything to be quantified (work hours, etc) and others like things to be inspirational. Some of the problems mentioned are that team leaders set themselves up as Team Tsars and never relinquish control, some people harshly judge others for not participating socially, and so on. Sometimes people of different nationalities approach management and participation with very different expectations. * Compelled behaviors and expectations * Lack of sensitive conflict management — some communities that do have conflict resolution processes only apply them to material disputes, and not to emotional hurt * Non-transparent channels of communication — often caused by fear of technology and digital communication. Leads to proliferation of gossip, cliques, and manipulation. * Old Guard elitism * Over-reacting to minor skirmishes – trying to enforce new rules for everyone instead of negotiating a minor dispute If you have any comments or examples, please feel free to share! Read more: http://thecohousinglife.proboards.com/thread/44/types-conflict-cohousing-any#ixzz3xupdBYEF Warm regards, Mary Baker _________________________________________________________________ Cohousing-L mailing list -- Unsubscribe, archives and other info at: http://www.cohousing.org/cohousing-L/
- Re: Community Information [ was Types of conflict in cohousing -- did I miss any?} Refuses to play by the rules, (continued)
- Re: Community Information [ was Types of conflict in cohousing -- did I miss any?} Refuses to play by the rules Mary Baker, Solid Communications, January 22 2016
- Re: Community Information [ was Types of conflict in cohousing -- did I miss any?} Refuses to play by the rules Mary Baker, Solid Communications, January 22 2016
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Re: Types of conflict in cohousing -- did I miss any? Laura Fitch, January 22 2016
- Re: Types of conflict in cohousing -- did I miss any? Sharon Villines, January 22 2016
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- Re: Types of conflict in cohousing -- did I miss any? (Mariana's questions) Mary Baker, Solid Communications, January 23 2016
- "The Coho Way" Mary Baker, Solid Communications, January 23 2016
- Re: "The Coho Way" Sharon Villines, January 23 2016
- Re: "The Coho Way" Mary Baker, Solid Communications, January 23 2016
- Re: "The Coho Way" Muriel Kranowski, January 23 2016
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