Cohousing-L Mailing List: Fwd: Polyamory et al and Ethnic Diversity

[Verhd (Verhd]

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I'm not sure if my first posting went through.   If so please excuse the 
double posting of this e-mail.  I put a lot of work into writing it and want 
to be sure it gets read.  thanks.

Verna

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Return-path: Verhd [at] aol.com
From: Verhd [at] aol.com
Full-name: Verhd
Message-ID: <0.5b94e719.254c42a7 [at] aol.com>
Date: Sat, 30 Oct 1999 08:46:31 EDT
Subject: Re:  Polyamory et al and Ethnic Diversity
To: co-housing-l [at] freedom2.mtn.org
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I realize that this thread is winding down but I've been wanting to write 
since the original posting of "Polyamory et al.  but didn't know quite how to 
word what I want to say.  I am an African-American woman who has been 
seriously considering joining a co-housing community within the next year or 
two.  I have been a mostly silent member of this list for the past three 
years and have only commented when there has been some mention of ethnic 
diversity I feel a need to address.

I agree with Elaine that many of the people that you are trying to attract 
for a diverse community might be "turned off" to the idea of co-housing if 
they had read this whole thread over the last few weeks as I have.  Not 
"appalled" as she says in her second paragraph--that's too strong a word as I 
feel this falls into a "to each his own category."  And I don't think its a 
question of prejudice against people who have chosen this lifestyle as one of 
the original responders to this posting stated.  I do believe that anyone who 
is attracted to co-housing, no matter what their background is probably 
someone who "tolerates, accepts and welcomes diversity in all its forms."  
But I feel there can be gradations of choices people make of how they want to 
live day to day in community.

Let me give you a non-polyamory example as it will be less contentious.  
There is a big difference in the way many African-American families raise 
their children and the way white children are raised.  I've read on this list 
that a neighbor spanking their child would never be tolerated.  I'm sure that 
there are people from other ethnic groups that would disagree.  But lets put 
that extreme aside and assume that anyone attracted to co-housing has been 
well steeped in middle-class culture so that this wouldn't be an issue.  But 
there is still the living culture passed down over the years that impacts.  
When my father was a boy his mother spanked him, yelled at him every day 
before he went out of the house, even though he hadn't done anything, as a 
way to remind him that he had to abide by the Jim Crow laws and have proper 
relations with whites.  She knew that if he stepped out of bounds for even 
one moment he would come home in a coffin. 

How does that translate into how I raise my children today?  I was once one 
of a few African Americans who were part of a summer bungalow co-op that 
although not labeled co-housing functioned as one.  There was a stark 
difference in the things I would allow my kids to do and the rest of the 
community and that impacted on how my children could relate in community.  
Children were allowed to roam the grounds, to just enter peoples houses 
sometimes without even knocking.  I expected my children to visit only when 
they were invited, not just walk in.  I expected them to let me know where 
they were at all times.  At the pool I saw children whine and cajole and be 
disrespectful to their parents, something that I would not allow to happen in 
my home.  I wasn't judgmental.  As an educator I know the pluses of the child 
being the center of the world, of all their questions being answered, of 
encouragement to talk and to fly.  But there is a huge continuum of how this 
is played out and I think our culture and background in part determines where 
we are on that continuum.  I could give you many examples of topics discussed 
on this list where a seemingly small difference in perspective due to 
cultural background translates into a big difference in day to day life.

I was at an open house for a private school I was thinking about sending my 
child to, a school that considers themselves liberal and progressive.  They 
had a panel of students speaking.  One of those students was an 
African-American student who was identified from a program that places 
underprivileged children in prep schools.  Although the white people who run 
this school were well intentioned there was a subtle difference in the way 
they treated this child and the other children that I'm sure they were not 
aware of.  They treated him as their pet..their little project they were 
proud of.

Have any of you read the article "White Privilege by Peggy McIntosh that was 
in the Winter 1990 issue of Independent School magazine?  She defines white 
privilege as "an invisible package of unearned assets that whites can count 
on cashing in each day, but about which was meant to remain oblivious."  She 
says that "whites are taught to think of their lives as morally neutral, 
normative, and average, and also ideal, so that when we work to benefit 
others, this is seen as work that will allow 'them' to be more like 'us'."  
The examples she gives about white privilege, "the daily effects" include the 
following:

1.  "I can be pretty sure of renting or purchasing housing in an area I can 
afford and would want to live; I can be pretty sure that my neighbors in such 
a location will be neutral or pleasant to me."  (I wonder how many co-housing 
communities are in neighborhoods that would not be welcoming to African 
Americans.  More specifically, what kind of reception would a group of 
African Americans have had if they went forward as a group and said they 
wanted to start a co-housing community.)

2.  "I can go shopping alone most of the time, pretty well assured that I 
will not be followed or harassed"  (At a conference in Texas I went to an 
upscale mall with two of my upscale friends.  Between their clothing and 
jewelry they probably had more money on their back then the annual salary of 
the salespeople and guards at Neiman-Marcus.  Yet we were followed for the 
whole time we were in the store. )

3.  "Whether I use credits, checks, cards or cash, I can count on my skin 
color not to work against the appearance of financial reliability." (See 
number 1 above on impact this would have on getting the financing needed for 
a co-housing project.)

4.  "I can swear, or dress in secondhand clothes, or not answer letters 
without having people attribute these choices to the bad morals, the poverty, 
or the illiteracy of my race." (African Americans do not have similar ease to 
the range of options of non-mainstream choices that whites have, including 
many options expounded on this list.)

5.  "I can do well in a challenging situation without being called a credit 
to my race;  I am never asked to speak for all the people of my racial 
group."  (This is always sticky when I'm in a position such as this.  
Assuming I am one of the few African Americans on this list I feel a need to 
give my perspective as a clarification of a diversity question.  But of  
course it is only my perspective as one African American although if I am the 
only African-American voice it may be taken as me speaking for the entire 
racial group.) 

These are only 5 of the 26 points that Ms. McIntosch lists in her article but 
I think it gives you an idea.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't 
have to deal with racism either blatant or "innocent" and I would be niave to 
expect that to change because I was part of a co-housing community.  In 
addition I would be dealing with the subtle differences I discussed above. 

So, to bring this back around to the polyamory discussion, in deciding 
whether to join a co-housing community there is already a lot on my plate, 
that will have to be dealt with on a day-to-day basis, with my possibly being 
the only African American.  One person, in this discussion thread, described 
their community where there was only one traditional family.  I would not 
want to be the only African-American family and the only traditional family 
and polyamory and co-housing have been described as going together like 
"waffles and syrup" (and the discussion on this list seems to support that). 

I am thankful to Catherine, Howard and others for this thread.  I have been 
sitting here feeling disquieted about many little things over the years and 
this discussion forced me to really think about if this is the right choice 
for me.  And thinking it through I realize that no, its not.  I'll continue 
my search I guess for an alternative to the alternative.  I don't think its 
fair to be a lurker on a list such as this now that I have no intention of 
being part of a co-housing community so I will unsubscribe at some point.  I 
will miss the discussions and being part of what I feel is an important 
movement, if taking from the perspective of an ideal housing situation 
without all the other ramifications (not possible I guess).  I wish you all 
the best.

Verna

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