Cohousing-L Mailing List: FW: Polyamory et al and Ethnic Diversity

[Bitner/Stevenson (lilbert]

I mistakenly sent this only to Verna, and wanted the whole list to get it.
Somuch for getting in the first word this morning!
--
Liz Stevenson
Southside Park Cohousing
Sacramento, California

----------
From: "Bitner/Stevenson" <lilbert [at] earthlink.net>
To: Verhd [at] aol.com
Subject: Re: Fwd: Polyamory et al and Ethnic Diversity
Date: Sat, Oct 30, 1999, 8:15 AM



>
> Let me give you a non-polyamory example as it will be less contentious.
> There is a big difference in the way many African-American families raise
> their children and the way white children are raised.  I've read on this list
> that a neighbor spanking their child would never be tolerated.  I'm sure that
> there are people from other ethnic groups that would disagree.  But lets put
> that extreme aside and assume that anyone attracted to co-housing has been
> well steeped in middle-class culture so that this wouldn't be an issue.  But
> there is still the living culture passed down over the years that impacts.
> When my father was a boy his mother spanked him, yelled at him every day
> before he went out of the house, even though he hadn't done anything, as a
> way to remind him that he had to abide by the Jim Crow laws and have proper
> relations with whites.  She knew that if he stepped out of bounds for even
> one moment he would come home in a coffin.
>
>
(cut)


> The examples she gives about white privilege, "the daily effects" include the
> following:
>
> 1.  "I can be pretty sure of renting or purchasing housing in an area I can
> afford and would want to live; I can be pretty sure that my neighbors in such
> a location will be neutral or pleasant to me."  (I wonder how many co-housing
> communities are in neighborhoods that would not be welcoming to African
> Americans.  More specifically, what kind of reception would a group of
> African Americans have had if they went forward as a group and said they
> wanted to start a co-housing community.)
>
> 2.  "I can go shopping alone most of the time, pretty well assured that I
> will not be followed or harassed"
etc.

> These are only 5 of the 26 points that Ms. McIntosch lists in her article but
> I think it gives you an idea.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't
> have to deal with racism either blatant or "innocent" and I would be niave to
> expect that to change because I was part of a co-housing community.  In
> addition I would be dealing with the subtle differences I discussed above.
>
> So, to bring this back around to the polyamory discussion, in deciding
> whether to join a co-housing community there is already a lot on my plate,
> that will have to be dealt with on a day-to-day basis, with my possibly being
> the only African American.  One person, in this discussion thread, described
> their community where there was only one traditional family.  I would not
> want to be the only African-American family and the only traditional family
> and polyamory and co-housing have been described as going together like
> "waffles and syrup" (and the discussion on this list seems to support that).
>

>
It never fails that if I restrain myself and don't reply to something (yes,
it happens!), that I'm sorry later that I did not. About the spanking
issue-I have spanked my children, and there are plenty of other cohousing
parents who do too. It's sort of the step-child of "proper liberal white
parenting", but I have found it necessary for my son. My daughter, being a
very different individual, hasn't been spanked. Maybe the most difficult
part of living in cohousing is watching other people's parenting styles, and
not interfering, especially when you think that a parent is seriously
harming their child with a lack of, or too much, discipline (no, I'm not
talking about raising a child without spanking) and causing them to grow up
without morals of any kind. I am watching that happen here with at least one
family. I am sure there are people here who have struggled with my situation
and parenting style as well. It doesn't mean I am not welcome. It doesn't
mean I don't *feel* unwelcome, even in my own coho community, sometimes. I
think that that is an entirely internal issue for me, one that stems from an
entire childhood spent being an outsider in my "community". I think you'll
probably find alot of cohousers who have that baggage, regardless of their
cultural background. By default, we want community more than the average
person, so I think there are alot of "outsiders" who join cohousing,
bringing their personal problems with them.

As for polyamory, I think that anyone reading this thread would have assumed
that there are legions of polys out there in cohousing, but they'd be wrong.
I have no idea what the numbers are elsewhere, but here they are zero. If
someone here wanted to out themselves, or wanted to move in and everyone
knew they were polyfidelitous(sp?), there would probably be some clucking
about it, then people would get used to it, and not really care. My point
is, there are all sorts of reasons that everyone in my community is an "only
one" of something, and I think it's all the more reason we need to be with
each other, not a reason we should seek to live elsewhere.

That being said, there is a difference for African Americans that goes so
far beyond what I and other outsiders have experienced, that it may, indeed,
be a hurdle too big to cross for cohousing, for the social and economic
reasons you stated. Still, while most cohousing communities are entirely
white and middle class, there are those that are not, including mine. I
daresay you would be more welcome in this neighborhood than I am.

I personally was very saddened by your post, not because you have said
anything that is news to me, but because it reminded me that the movement is
so limited in its scope. I have felt very discouraged with the cohousing
movement at various times, usually when I see a house for sale that costs in
the hundreds of thousands of dollars. My immediate reaction is that nobody I
know that I like could buy that house. It is so exclusive that it's a fluke
that I'm a member of it!

> I am thankful to Catherine, Howard and others for this thread.  I have been
> sitting here feeling disquieted about many little things over the years and
> this discussion forced me to really think about if this is the right choice
> for me.  And thinking it through I realize that no, its not.  I'll continue
> my search I guess for an alternative to the alternative.  I don't think its
> fair to be a lurker on a list such as this now that I have no intention of
> being part of a co-housing community so I will unsubscribe at some point.  I
> will miss the discussions and being part of what I feel is an important
> movement, if taking from the perspective of an ideal housing situation
> without all the other ramifications (not possible I guess).  I wish you all
> the best.
>
> Verna

I hope that you would stay on this list, instead. There are hundreds of
pople who have belonged to this list who never have lived in cohousing, and
who possibly never will. In most cohousing communities, there are more
people who have been a part of the group and don't move in than there are
those who do. Does that make their contributions less worthwhile? On the
contrary, those people who have put time and money and soul into the
movement, but have not lived in cohousing , are the ones we should be most
thankful for, because they haven't had the benefit of their labors. For me,
it would be a personal favor, since I often feel so alone in my opposition
to the middle-class white groupthink that can happen on the list. I need you
here, if only as a lurker, but certainly understand and support you if you
leave. I wish you all the best.
--
Liz Stevenson
Southside Park Cohousing
Sacramento, California