Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Fwd: Polyamory et al and Ethnic Diversity

[Deb Smyre (dsmyre]

Verna, 

I appreciate your taking the time to post your message (twice) to the list.
 I'm doing last-minute packing for our trip to Durham, NC to visit our Eno
Commons neighbors-to-be and check on the construction of our house; but I
had to take this moment to respond, however briefly, to your thoughtful post.

First, I'm well acquainted with the Peggy McIntosh article to which you
refer.  It's online for those who'd like to read it in it's entirety:

        http://www.nscee.edu/unlv/Finance_Admin/Diversity/5/White.html

It's great reading for anyone who believes racism is defined only by overt
actions.

Second, you're not the only African American person on the list.  I'm
another and I do hope there are more than just the two of us.  I'm in
gut-level agreement with your entire posting, and I hope you'll continue to
consider cohousing as a living option at some point in the future.  I'd
like to continue a dialog with you on this, privately if you prefer, after
we return from Durham.

One point made that hits closest to home for me was this:

>Verna wrote:
>So, to bring this back around to the polyamory discussion, in deciding 
>whether to join a co-housing community there is already a lot on my plate, 
>that will have to be dealt with on a day-to-day basis, with my possibly
being 
>the only African American.  One person, in this discussion thread, described 
>their community where there was only one traditional family.  I would not 
>want to be the only African-American family and the only traditional family 
>and polyamory and co-housing have been described as going together like 
>"waffles and syrup" (and the discussion on this list seems to support that). 

        How I've wrestled with this!  (Hi, Christine!)  Some coho members
        were discussing joining the local country club.  I thought, good
        grief, here's an uncomfortable situation for someone like me,
        the only person of color in a cohousing community, in the south,
        interracially married.  I'm sure you can relate to my state of
        mind at the point where I dropped off the coho mail list to avoid
        an ulcer.  I think this may be where you are now, and I do 
        understand.  It's discouraging when people seem so insensitive.

        I've often wondered if people who have fewer built-in
        conflicts in their lives don't sometimes create conflicts out of a
        need to experience life more deeply (i.e. folks who string together 
        nontraditional lifestyle choices like beads on a necklace, "I'm a
        wiccan, vegan, living in a commune, growing hemp, blah, blah..")
        
        I think when we start off life already outside the 'mainstream',
        we're less inclined to add more to our already full plates.  
        I'm aware that some people differ on this point, feeling that
        once you're permanently outside the mainstream, there's no
        pull to go there.

        I think of cohousing as cozier than the suburbs in that we're
        more caring of our neighbors and the greater community.  I
        don't think of it as "an alternative lifestyle" in the sense that
        cohousers are all looking for yet another bead to add to their
        nontraditional necklace of life experiences.  

        Verna, thanks again for writing.  I must dash.  Please keep
        in touch, and safe journey to you & yours.

        Deb