Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Consensus, Majority Vote, "Blocks" [was Report on Survey of Cohousing Communities 2011. Just released. A must read!

[Sharon Villines (sharon]

On 25 Sep 2011, at 7:24 PM, Moz wrote:

> One thing that I think Sharon's not
> emphasising is a willingness to compromise outside of your
> core values. I think it helps to be enthusiastic about the
> prospect of compromise.

Perhaps accommodation or pleasing would be the best word here. Compromise can 
produce a result that doesn't make anyone happy. Poorly air-conditioned air, 
for example, is worse than too hot or too cold. It's stale and makes no one 
happy. 

Working for the best possible solution for everyone allows you to begin looking 
at things in new ways. The compromise mind-set too often produces manipulation 
— I want 20 so I'll start with 200 and look like I'm giving something away when 
I settle for 30 — or simply halving the difference. I want 2 meals a week and 
you want 6 so we have to settle for 4. No one will be happy. The meal program 
won't be comprehensive, and those who can only participate in 2 will feel 
burdened by working for 4 or not participating at all (depending on 
circumstances). 

So I tend to avoid the word "compromise".

> What's become obvious to me in the last month or two as our
> co-ho experiment moves into its third iteration is that the
> shared aim is crucial, and it's often a long process to
> discover what peoples aims actually are. Frustrating though
> it is, a lot of people don't ever sit back and think about
> what they want and form a strategy for getting it.

Or they hear everyone talking about things from their own framework and think 
everyone is talking  about the same thing.

When we moved in, for example, one of the first things we discovered is that  
people had different basic concepts of the CH:

1. It was to be rented to support CH maintenance, repair, and operating costs.
2. It was like a hotel lobby, public, with signs everywhere for strangers. 
Instructions everywhere.
3. It was like an extension of our living space and residential. If you don't 
do it at home, you don't do it here.

We had been discussing the CH for two years, including a charrette, and these 
difference never showed up.

> Instead
> they just go with the flow and react to each new event in a
> disconnected way. This makes it hard to guess their reaction
> to new choices. They find it frustrating that they have to
> keep explaining their gut reactions against things that are
> just obviously wrong. It's a lot of work on all sides.

This is a nice characterization. I find that they also don't want policies. 
They feel oppressed by "rules" because they "might" limit them at some future 
time. Why do we need rules at all? We should just get along and go with the 
flow. Hang out, stop obsessing. Just enjoy your neighbors.

That's very hard for me. I like everyone on the same page, even if I don't like 
the page.

Sharon
----
Sharon Villines
Takoma Village Cohousing, Washington DC
http://www.takomavillage.org