Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Bullying

[Sharon Villines (sharon]

> On Aug 6, 2022, at 9:58 AM, Kathleen Lowry <kathleenlowrylpcclmft [at] 
> gmail.com> wrote:
> 
> As a therapist I often am helping the “victim” themselves understand they 
> feel bad because they allow themselves to be bullied.
> As a parent at a small public charter school, talking to the parents of the 
> bully didn’t work, asking a group of parents of “victims” to talk to the 
> parents didn’t work, the school intervention didn’t work. What finally worked 
> was teaching my daughter to shove me up against a wall -she never actually 
> had to do it to the bully-and the bullying stopped. My daughter needed 
> permission and skills to change her energy I guess.

I agree with the approach of working with those who feel intimidated or hurt 
instead of focusing on the person who is supposedly "the problem.” There are 
descriptions of children, particularly, who are the targets of kidnappers, 
sexual abusers, and gangs of boys. They display defined behaviors. They need 
skills and usually permission to use them. If facilitation, practicing 
defensive skills, and permission to return equal force resolve the situation, 
then at least the person is not a sociopath. 

“Bullying" is a repeated behavior, usually verbal, that is known to be 
emotionally damaging to the target. Threat of physical violence is often 
present but not always. Bullying is intentional emotional violence toward a 
victim.

We have expanded “bullying” to include every known behavior that anyone finds 
offensive. A supervisor giving a negative performance review is not usually 
doing it to cause emotional distress. Even if the review says these changes 
need to be made before a contract will be renewed, it is usually not a threat 
of physical violence. It isn’t bullying even if the person being reviewed calls 
it bullying.

Raised voices, interrupting, kicking a chair, etc., are usually just 
expressions of the person’s feelings and not anymore intended to manipulate 
others than saying No. Blowing off steam is not bullying. Bullying is behavior 
intended to intimidate and harm. 

I grew up in a family where I was the first born of a first born of a first 
born of a first born. And there was probably another first born or two that 
started that chain. My father was also a Marine. When he was away, my 
grandmother was in charge and everyone knew it. So I grew up expecting strong 
leadership and forceful opinions. I’m comfortable knowing who is in charge of 
things, otherwise I tend to take charge myself to fill the void. But I also 
learned how to speak up. I don’t flinch when someone yells or throws a chair. 

People who are overly sensitive are very difficult to deal with in meetings. I 
used to have a fellow faculty member who would speak in very soft voice in 
meetings. It drove me nuts because he was 6’3” and not a timid guy at all. The 
psych professor explained to me that it was a form of control. He speaks so 
softly that everyone else has to be very quiet, not even write notes, in order 
to hear him. He commands complete attention. And anyone who speaks after him 
with a strong voice is out of step with the tone he has set. 

Sharon
----
Sharon Villines, Washington DC
"Behavior is determined by the prevailing form of decision making." Gerard 
Endenburg