Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Bullying

[Kathleen Lowry (kathleenlowrylpcclmft]

Sharon, Your response was not at all my point. That had to do with children. 
When there are adults right there as witnesses, adults stop that kind of 
“controlling with anger “ behavior (ie bullying) by stopping the bully- sounds 
like that’s what the facilitators do. 

> On Aug 6, 2022, at 1:30 PM, Sharon Villines via Cohousing-L <cohousing-l [at] 
> cohousing.org> wrote:
> 
> 
>> 
>> On Aug 6, 2022, at 9:58 AM, Kathleen Lowry <kathleenlowrylpcclmft [at] 
>> gmail.com> wrote:
>> 
>> As a therapist I often am helping the “victim” themselves understand they 
>> feel bad because they allow themselves to be bullied.
>> As a parent at a small public charter school, talking to the parents of the 
>> bully didn’t work, asking a group of parents of “victims” to talk to the 
>> parents didn’t work, the school intervention didn’t work. What finally 
>> worked was teaching my daughter to shove me up against a wall -she never 
>> actually had to do it to the bully-and the bullying stopped. My daughter 
>> needed permission and skills to change her energy I guess.
> 
> I agree with the approach of working with those who feel intimidated or hurt 
> instead of focusing on the person who is supposedly "the problem.” There are 
> descriptions of children, particularly, who are the targets of kidnappers, 
> sexual abusers, and gangs of boys. They display defined behaviors. They need 
> skills and usually permission to use them. If facilitation, practicing 
> defensive skills, and permission to return equal force resolve the situation, 
> then at least the person is not a sociopath. 
> 
> “Bullying" is a repeated behavior, usually verbal, that is known to be 
> emotionally damaging to the target. Threat of physical violence is often 
> present but not always. Bullying is intentional emotional violence toward a 
> victim.
> 
> We have expanded “bullying” to include every known behavior that anyone finds 
> offensive. A supervisor giving a negative performance review is not usually 
> doing it to cause emotional distress. Even if the review says these changes 
> need to be made before a contract will be renewed, it is usually not a threat 
> of physical violence. It isn’t bullying even if the person being reviewed 
> calls it bullying.
> 
> Raised voices, interrupting, kicking a chair, etc., are usually just 
> expressions of the person’s feelings and not anymore intended to manipulate 
> others than saying No. Blowing off steam is not bullying. Bullying is 
> behavior intended to intimidate and harm. 
> 
> I grew up in a family where I was the first born of a first born of a first 
> born of a first born. And there was probably another first born or two that 
> started that chain. My father was also a Marine. When he was away, my 
> grandmother was in charge and everyone knew it. So I grew up expecting strong 
> leadership and forceful opinions. I’m comfortable knowing who is in charge of 
> things, otherwise I tend to take charge myself to fill the void. But I also 
> learned how to speak up. I don’t flinch when someone yells or throws a chair. 
> 
> People who are overly sensitive are very difficult to deal with in meetings. 
> I used to have a fellow faculty member who would speak in very soft voice in 
> meetings. It drove me nuts because he was 6’3” and not a timid guy at all. 
> The psych professor explained to me that it was a form of control. He speaks 
> so softly that everyone else has to be very quiet, not even write notes, in 
> order to hear him. He commands complete attention. And anyone who speaks 
> after him with a strong voice is out of step with the tone he has set. 
> 
> Sharon
> ----
> Sharon Villines, Washington DC
> "Behavior is determined by the prevailing form of decision making." Gerard 
> Endenburg
> 
> 
> 
> 
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