Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Bullying

[Kathleen Lowry (kathleenlowrylpcclmft]

Sharon, very gracious response Thank you. 
Yes, we know the amount of any emotion we feel is exactly correct, and emotions 
are held in the body (includes the brain :)) The Body Keeps the score.  The 
challenge is knowing whether the emotion is from our present (and where), our  
past, or if it rolled down through our generations. 
Ideally the person would wait to calm down and either ask “Am I scaring you.?” 
Or frame a polite request “Could you please give me a little more floor time” 
for example. How to change states before speaking . 
That’s what we teach families. But yes, we (certainly I do) all get ambushed by 
younger parts sometimes- that’s where good solid meaningful apologies come in
All of the above from my training- not my ideas. 
> On Aug 6, 2022, at 5:39 PM, Sharon Villines via Cohousing-L <cohousing-l [at] 
> cohousing.org> wrote:
> 
> 
>> On Aug 6, 2022, at 2:59 PM, Kathleen Lowry <kathleenlowrylpcclmft [at] 
>> gmail.com> wrote:
>> 
>> Sharon, Your response was not at all my point. That had to do with children. 
>> When there are adults right there as witnesses, adults stop that kind of 
>> “controlling with anger “ behavior (ie bullying) by stopping the bully -- 
>> sounds like that’s what the facilitators do. 
> 
> Sorry. I wasn’t trying to say what I was saying was what you were saying. I 
> agreed will all the last few messages. And with Dianna’s comments. My point 
> was to reinforce the idea that the teaching skills approach and giving 
> permission to use them is more often needed than we realize. 
> 
> But to other comments, calling everything bullying is misleading, often 
> exaggerating, and doesn’t accurately describe what is going on. So you can’t 
> fix it. Bullying has a target. Making a lot of noise or yelling or big 
> physical movements aren’t always bullying. They have more to do with the 
> state of the actor than any target.
> 
> And some of the examples Dianna gave were tended toward the sociopathic or 
> disrupter end of things that won’t be “cured” by better facilitation or more 
> people being more assertive in claiming their space.
> 
>> Bullying is repeated intentional emotional violence directed toward a victim.
> 
> This is the site of the National Bullying Prevention Center:
> https://www.pacer.org/bullying/info/info-facts.asp
> 
> This is a good APA site except that they define it in terms of children. 
> Certainly that may the most frequent but the behavior is not limited to 
> children. Perhaps when people are older we call it intimidation or 
> harassment. 
> 
> https://www.apa.org/topics/bullying
> 
> Sorry if that was confusing,
> 
> Sharon
> ----
> Sharon Villines, Washington DC
> "Behavior is determined by the prevailing form of decision making." Gerard 
> Endenburg
> 
> 
> 
> 
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