Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: bullying

[Kathleen Lowry (kathleenlowrylpcclmft]

Thanks so much Fern!

> On Aug 7, 2022, at 1:51 AM, fernselzer [at] aol.com wrote:
> 
> 
> Hi Kathleen, 
> Kind of embarrassing to admit, but I can't find those policies written down 
> altogether, as they have kind of evolved. We are currently in the process of 
> organizing our policies so we can find them.
> But, briefly, for email, we have agreed not to discuss controversial or 
> emotional issues by email.   So, if an email thread starts moving in that 
> direction, whoever notices first  reminds the communicators to move the 
> discussion to in person or by phone.  
> For decision making, we started with consensus but now we have consensus 
> discussions, that is everyone with an objection is heard and given an 
> opportunity to move the group in their direction.  This often includes 
> postponing the decision unless the decision is urgent.   Sometimes our 
> discussion looks more like sociocracy.   In the end, we simply decide by 
> super-majority and usually the only "no" vote is from the same person who 
> votes no on almost everything.  
> 
> By the way, do you know there is a database of policies at cohousing.org?   
> Here is the address that I have for it.  
> http://oldsite.cohousing.org/policy-database?page=1
> Also, I think a number of cohousing communities have public lists of their 
> policies.   Other people on this list-serve probably know more about that 
> than I do.  
>  But one is Great Oak cohousing.  Here is the link to their policies that are 
> public.   http://gocoho.org/boa/
> 
> Fern
> New Brighton Cohousing
> 
> 
> 
> 
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Kathleen Lowry <kathleenlowrylpcclmft [at] gmail.com>
> To: fernselzer [at] aol.com; cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org
> Sent: Sat, Aug 6, 2022 1:50 pm
> Subject: Re: [C-L]_ bullying
> 
> Fern, thanks. Is there a way to learn about both your email process and 
> decision making policy? Kathleen
> 
> > On Aug 6, 2022, at 3:38 PM, Fern Selzer/US/CA/95003/NBC via Cohousing-L 
> > <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org> wrote:
> > 
> > Hi all,In our community I initially had disappointment and frustration 
> > because of one member who since the beginning was negative and disruptive.  
> > But talking to people in other cohousing communities, it became apparent to 
> > me that every community has problematic individuals.  Speaking for myself, 
> > most of us can become problematic at times.
> > I appreciate the suggestions put forth in this thread of how to handle 
> > "bullying" behavior 
> > In our community, we have our facilitation team we call "community 
> > connection committee" and we observe  the pulse of the community and 
> > ourselves.  As needed, we address issues by bringing it to our regular 
> > plenary meeting to share in discussion and come up with next steps.    For 
> > example, we needed some rules around email communication when people were 
> > using it for emotional venting that was hurtful.  Though the time-consuming 
> > policy-making around email communication was prompted by the behavior of a 
> > few people, the actual outcome from the discussion and coming up with 
> > policies benefitted the whole community.  
> > 
> > "Bullying" isn't a specific term in my opinion.  Some sweet people lose it 
> > and yell every once in a while and it doesn't intimidate anyone.  People 
> > who quietly threaten lawsuits,  shun, sulk or interrupt the progress of 
> > things are more scary for me.  We had to change our decision making policy 
> > because of one person blocking most decisions -  and that was a lot of 
> > work.  But looking at it now, years later, I see that our new process is  
> > better and our decision making process would likely have needed to change 
> > at one point or another anyway.  And that is just ONE example of how one 
> > person in our community has unintentionally improved our group agreements.  
> > Fern New Brighton CoHousingAptos, CA
> 
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> > 
> > 
> >