Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Fifty Plus Cohousing + ?

[racheli (racheli]

>From Racheli, Sonora Cohousing

It's interesting to note that people hear what they 
want (or conditioned?) to hear: I don't remember
anyone - myself or others - saying that raising concerns
about children is equivalent to disliking or not supporting
children, and I doubt that anyone could possible mean it.  
As far as I remember (and admittedly, my memory isn't as
good as it used to be, probably due to aging :), the discussion started
around the issue of whether it's "ok" for people to  want to live in
segregated communities.  Out of it rose a sub issue - whether any or all
of the desire to live
separately is due to not wanting to be around children;
whether any of it might be due to hostility towards
them (not to "concerns about them").
Apparently, my saying that there is hostility towards children in
cohousing communities (as well as elsewhere) pushed quite a few buttons. 
I was told it's divisive and polarizing to use such strong words.  It's
interesting that no one asked for examples of what I might mean by
"hostility": rather, the people who took offense (at least some had heard
the word aimed
at them by someone else at some point) - assumed that
I must mean the same, and that I must be wrong...
I think this has given us a good example of entrenchment around an issue.

An important point I'd like to dwell on:
Grant asked in his previous post: If someone told me that they don't feel
hostility towards children, would I "honor" it 
(meaning, I suppose, accept it at face value?)  
The answer is that I would accept it that they *believe* that they don't
have hostility.  But it's *universal* for people to exhibit certain
behaviors they are not aware of (and to harbor feelings they don't
acknowledge to themselves).  It's probably even more common to keep
negative feelings from our
awareness:  People might behave in a sexist way, and not 
be aware that they are doing it; anti-semites claim their best  friends
are Jews (which might be true: one can have Jewish  friends and still be
antisemitic; Israelis will tell you how they  don't "hate" arabs, right
before making the worst racist remarks  about them (not understanding,
obviously, the nature of their  own remarks), and so on. 

By looking into myself I've discovered highly objectionable 
feelings many times - feelings I wasn't aware of until something caused me
to be able to identify them. Hostility towards some  children being one
example.  Another was racist feelings towards  Arabs).  
Unless someone is ready to look inside (sometimes with the help  of
feedback from others), with willingness to be honest about what they might
find, change is not possible.  (And looking at the world around us, change
is the only things which might give
us hope).

R. 



>So, I'll just reiterate the central point of my message: raising concerns
>about children is not equivalent to disliking or not supporting children.
>Perceptions that these things are equivalent contributes to polarization.

>I sense from this and other discussions on this list that considerable
>frustrations exist in cohousing communities with not being able to talk
>openly, and safely, about children's issues. It would be nice to hear
>examples from communities where there has been success in achieving
>positive dialoge on children's issues. 

>Grant






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racheli [at] sonoracohousing.com
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