Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Bullying

[Diana Leafe Christian (diana]

Hello,

Sue, my heart goes out to you and your community. I really know what you're 
talking about. This "taboo community topic" is so important I address it in a 
series of articles for Communities magazine, "Working Effectively with 
Especially Challenging Behaviors." 

I'm offering a breakout workshop on the same topic at the upcoming Cohousing 
Conference in Madison. 

These aren't the ordinary behaviors many of us might exhibit on a bad day, but 
seriously hurtful, relatively consistent behaviors, including the bullying Sue 
describes, as well as appearing to have a sense of entitlement and little to no 
empathy for others. These behaviors don't respond to kindness, empathetic 
listening, talking stick circles, heart shares, mediation efforts, or bringing 
in an outside community process consultant (which can sometimes resolve 
immediate conflicts but not affect the person's ongoing behavior patterns). 

These behaviors don't respond to simply living in community with friendly 
supportive neighbors and attending enough warm and congenial community meals, 
workdays, and sharing circles — which I call the With Enough Hugs Fallacy. They 
don't respond to even the most warm, caring, and empathetic feelings and needs 
conversations — what I call the With Enough NVC Fallacy.

These behaviors respond to first, empower yourself by  learning as much about 
the behaviors as you easily can (for example free youtube videos and two really 
good books I recommend). 

And then lowering — lowering! — your expectations that the people doing these 
behaviors will feel empathy, care about others' feelings, or ever change. 
Learning to skillfully and gracefully set limits and boundaries with people who 
do these behaviors. Protecting your boundaries when someone breaches them, by 
reminding them and remaining calm and kind, yet firm. Using the "Community Eye" 
to make interactions with these community members "public" and witnessed by 
other community members whenever possible, in emails (cc'ing others), phone 
calls (speaker phone) — and always telling the person this — and  inviting 
others to be present in one-on-one meetings. Getting outside healing help for 
one's own emotional vulnerabilities. Organizing a support group of friends to 
listen to and empathize with each other about the latest hurtful thing that 
happened, learn and practice self-empathy, and give one another empathy and 
support, including in meetings where the person is present. Using what I call 
the "Inner Ninja Technique" to protect oneself from the often penetrating 
energy of wrenching emotional pain, shimmering hostility, or outright cold rage 
people with these behaviors can sometimes unconsciously send into others.

You can read or download first two articles at gen-us.net/DLC. The third will 
appear in the upcoming Fall issue, out September 1st, and sometime later will 
also be posted at the same URL.

My presentation at the Cohousing Conference will offer an overview of the 
community anecdotes  (Because I'm no longer attending the Conference in person 
and the venue's Internet connection doesn't support Zoom, this will be 
pre-recorded presentation, with me guessing at participants' comments and 
questions and responding to them in the recording.

Sue, I have additional information I can share if you like — suggestions which 
will appear in the winter 2022 and 2023 issues of Communities magazine.  You 
can reach me at diana [at] ic.org.

I wish you and your group — any any cohousing communities suffering from this 
situation  — all the best in finding resolution soon and working effectively 
with these especially challenging behaviors.

Diana Leafe Christian


> On Aug 5, 2022, at 8:10 AM, Sue Donaldson <susalson [at] gmail.com> wrote:
> 
> Many cohousing communities seem to have at least a few residents who like
> to get their own way, and are not shy about making that happen.  Their
> tactics may include private emails that are critical or demeaning, speaking
> harshly or yelling at others, or interrupting or overriding in meetings.
> Usually communities are well aware of who these individuals are, but may
> not be aware of specific instances, which leaves the target of the bullying
> defenseless.
> 
> Any suggestions for dealing with this kind of thing? It's a problem in
> other kinds of organizations as well.
> 
> Sue Donaldson
> Village Hill Cohousing
> Northampton, MA