Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Diversity

[Sharon Villines (sharon]

> On Feb 23, 2023, at 11:49 AM, Elizabeth Magill <pastorlizm [at] gmail.com> 
> wrote:
> 
> That is not creating a rule, that is people saying "to apologize you
> have to admit to what you did wrong rather than blame me for
> misunderstanding you".

No, they cited an article that apparently explains what a good apology is from 
their point of view and in the words they believe should be used. 

> "to apologize you have to admit to what you did wrong rather than blame me 
> for misunderstanding you".

What is this but a rule? 

> If you, Sharon, would like to accept that apology, please feel free to
> do so. But I would prefer if you would not pretend that the statement
> "that's not an apology" means that someone is creating a rule. That
> distracts the conversation to what is a rule and what is not,
> rather than whether or not the hurt parties have been attended to.

I’m not pretending. I’m pointing out that making judgments is using a rule to 
state that something is good or bad. Stating requirements is not in the best 
interests of understanding the person from whom they expect an apology. 
Diversity goes both ways. Knowing Zev even slightly, I have no doubt that he 
did not intend to hurt anyone’s feelings and he has said that. 

This will also put my head even firmer on the chopping block, but I’m the only 
one who can hurt my feelings. I can feel rejected or dismissed or put down, but 
all those are my own reactions over which I have complete control. They tell me 
what my expectations or desires were or are. They tell me nothing about the 
other person unless I know the person and understand their context. I don’t 
think anyone in this conversation understands Zev.

Stating how one feels is certainly important and welcome in a discussion like 
this. Demanding that other people address my feelings is not something I would 
expect. Asking for an explanation is perfectly reasonable. Once received, I 
might ask another question to clarify the response. I might even say that 
doesn’t make sense to me. But I don’t have the right to demand that the other 
person do what I think they should do.

Sharon
----
Sharon Villines
Takoma Village Cohousing, Washington DC
http://www.takomavillage.org