Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Diversity

[Sophie Rubin (yophiest]

Sharon,


I don’t think Hafidha Sofia is asking Zev to follow rules. This is not
about “consent to” or “imposition of” standards. This is about providing
tools for better communication and harm repair.


After causing harm, there are specific ways of trying to make a repair that
will work more effectively than others, and Hafidha is providing the
information necessary for Zev to make a more complete and well-received
repair to those he harmed.


People are feeling unsafe and unwelcome in our communities. Adding to that,
essentially, “you should accept the apology you got and be nice about it”
dismisses emotions and lived experience and thus risks going farther to
widen the rift than to cause a repair.


I personally support exactly the advice that Hafidha provided and
appreciate that she took the time to do. I’m looking forward to a more
thorough and thoughtful response from Zev.


Possibly your newest participant (this is my first post),


Sophie

On Thu, Feb 23, 2023 at 08:39 Sharon Villines via Cohousing-L <
cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org> wrote:

> > This is not a good apology.
> > Here’s a basic primer on apologies. Re your apology, numbers 1, 3, 4, 5
> are areas for improvement - especially 1.
> > https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-apologize
>
> Respecting diversity means that we cannot expect everyone to live by
> pre-established rules, certainly not rules they may never have even known
> about and have made no promise to follow.
>
> When attempts at apologizing are rejected and rules are imposed about what
> an apology is, we are very far from respecting each person as a
> well-meaning and unique individual.
>
> Healthline is a very good resource so probably this is a good guide to
> expressing an apology, but it is not a standard that can be autocratically
> imposed and used as a judgment of good or bad. Consent is required when
> making rules.
>
> Sharon
> ----
> Sharon Villines
> Takoma Village Cohousing, Washington DC
> http://www.takomavillage.org
>
>
>
>
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