Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Diversity

[Kathleen Lowry (kathleenlowrylpcclmft]

Hi! I imagine people might be tired of my couples counseling references. 

And, it seems relevant to say we suggest to couples that one partner when 
annoyed makes a very specific request of their partner, for example, “could you 
please make a more complete apology?”
 ( For example the three part apology- they’ve learned- 1. What I did was wrong 
2. I feel  bad I hurt you 3. This is what I’ll do to prevent it happening again.
The partner might respond “i can  do 2 and 3 but not 1. Then they continue to 
negotiate. Like “ok don’t do 1., but a back rub would make up for that missing 
part.” (Creative negotiating.)
How is this possible 
1. In a group email?
2. In community where people have other things to do?
We say (based on research) a good marriage or partnership 15 hours a week of 
undivided attention. 
Kathleen

> On Feb 23, 2023, at 2:04 PM, Elizabeth Magill <pastorlizm [at] gmail.com> 
> wrote:
> 
> This is the crux of it
> 
> "Knowing Zev even slightly, I have no doubt that he did not intend to
> hurt anyone’s feelings and he has said that."
> 
> I would like (and believe others have asked) for Zev to apologize for
> his *impact* rather than his intent.
> 
> If someone apologizes and the person who was hurt responds "I would
> rather you address what I have done in this way" that is not a rule,
> that is someone expressing what they want.
> 
> If you don't want to do that, obviously you don't have to. And the
> person who asked for the apology will still feel hurt.
> 
> If a person's goal is to improve/repair the relationship, they might
> look at what was suggested and see if they can apologize in away that
> is heard better. Perhaps Zev has even done that one-on-one with those
> who asked.
> 
> If that is not the goal, certainly, ignore the suggestion. But posting
> a suggestion on how to make apologies that are more meaningful to
> others is not creating a rule.
> 
> -Liz
> (The Rev. Dr.) Elizabeth Mae Magill
> Pastor, Ashburnham Community Church
> Minister to the Affiliates, Ecclesia Ministries
> www.elizabethmaemagill.com
> 508-450-0431
>> On Thu, Feb 23, 2023 at 12:14 PM Sharon Villines
>> <sharon [at] sharonvillines.com> wrote:
>> 
>>>> On Feb 23, 2023, at 11:49 AM, Elizabeth Magill <pastorlizm [at] gmail.com> 
>>>> wrote:
>>> 
>>> That is not creating a rule, that is people saying "to apologize you
>>> have to admit to what you did wrong rather than blame me for
>>> misunderstanding you".
>> 
>> No, they cited an article that apparently explains what a good apology is 
>> from their point of view and in the words they believe should be used.
>> 
>>> "to apologize you have to admit to what you did wrong rather than blame me 
>>> for misunderstanding you".
>> 
>> What is this but a rule?
>> 
>>> If you, Sharon, would like to accept that apology, please feel free to
>>> do so. But I would prefer if you would not pretend that the statement
>>> "that's not an apology" means that someone is creating a rule. That
>>> distracts the conversation to what is a rule and what is not,
>>> rather than whether or not the hurt parties have been attended to.
>> 
>> I’m not pretending. I’m pointing out that making judgments is using a rule 
>> to state that something is good or bad. Stating requirements is not in the 
>> best interests of understanding the person from whom they expect an apology. 
>> Diversity goes both ways. Knowing Zev even slightly, I have no doubt that he 
>> did not intend to hurt anyone’s feelings and he has said that.
>> 
>> This will also put my head even firmer on the chopping block, but I’m the 
>> only one who can hurt my feelings. I can feel rejected or dismissed or put 
>> down, but all those are my own reactions over which I have complete control. 
>> They tell me what my expectations or desires were or are. They tell me 
>> nothing about the other person unless I know the person and understand their 
>> context. I don’t think anyone in this conversation understands Zev.
>> 
>> Stating how one feels is certainly important and welcome in a discussion 
>> like this. Demanding that other people address my feelings is not something 
>> I would expect. Asking for an explanation is perfectly reasonable. Once 
>> received, I might ask another question to clarify the response. I might even 
>> say that doesn’t make sense to me. But I don’t have the right to demand that 
>> the other person do what I think they should do.
>> 
>> Sharon
>> ----
>> Sharon Villines
>> Takoma Village Cohousing, Washington DC
>> http://www.takomavillage.org
>> 
>> 
>> 
>> 
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