Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Diversity

[Hafidha Acuay (hafidhaao]

To Sharon,
To be clear, I did not ask for an apology. My feelings aren't hurt. I am
content to simply see Zev as who he is: a person who is NOT helpful to the
specific cause of racial diversity in co-housing. I put you and several
others in the same category. (I have been on this listserv for years.)

To everyone,
I know and fully accept that many (maybe most) people in
co-housing communities suffer from anti-Blackness and racist conditioning
and beliefs. It's unsurprising that they practice micro-aggressive and
overtly racist behaviors.

The problem we're dealing with right now is *white people unable to cope
with the consequences of their unattractive behavior simply being seen for
what it is*. They want to be given more credit than is due - so they bring
in their intentions and their general 'goodness.' Or they accuse others of
being narrow-minded or 'making assumptions' about their character.

Our behavior reveals our character. Telling people to not hold your own
words and behavior 'against' you is self-serving, period.

This kind of kerfuffle is a major reason why so many Black, Brown, and
other people of color shy away from cohousing communities that are
white-led and white-centered. The hypocrisy is too much to live with. It's
*disheartening* to be undermined and gaslit on very small incidents; and
having lived in community we should all know that our ability to deal with
small problems prepares us to deal with medium sized and BIG problems.

Despite all this, I have hope! I remain in these spaces because my own
community has been doing the slow and steady work of self-examination, and
review of the racial and socioeconomic obstacles to true inclusive building
of community. Is it 100% participation? No, but I have faith and am
encouraged. We don't need 100% engagement. I believe there are enough white
people and POC throughout the cohousing movement to push this forward and
prepare us for a healthier future. The people who can't comprehend this or
feel anxious about this can step aside.

hafidha


On Thu, Feb 23, 2023 at 10:26 AM Sharon Villines via Cohousing-L <
cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org> wrote:

> > On Feb 23, 2023, at 11:49 AM, Elizabeth Magill <pastorlizm [at] gmail.com>
> wrote:
> >
> > That is not creating a rule, that is people saying "to apologize you
> > have to admit to what you did wrong rather than blame me for
> > misunderstanding you".
>
> No, they cited an article that apparently explains what a good apology is
> from their point of view and in the words they believe should be used.
>
> > "to apologize you have to admit to what you did wrong rather than blame
> me for misunderstanding you".
>
> What is this but a rule?
>
> > If you, Sharon, would like to accept that apology, please feel free to
> > do so. But I would prefer if you would not pretend that the statement
> > "that's not an apology" means that someone is creating a rule. That
> > distracts the conversation to what is a rule and what is not,
> > rather than whether or not the hurt parties have been attended to.
>
> I’m not pretending. I’m pointing out that making judgments is using a rule
> to state that something is good or bad. Stating requirements is not in the
> best interests of understanding the person from whom they expect an
> apology. Diversity goes both ways. Knowing Zev even slightly, I have no
> doubt that he did not intend to hurt anyone’s feelings and he has said
> that.
>
> This will also put my head even firmer on the chopping block, but I’m the
> only one who can hurt my feelings. I can feel rejected or dismissed or put
> down, but all those are my own reactions over which I have complete
> control. They tell me what my expectations or desires were or are. They
> tell me nothing about the other person unless I know the person and
> understand their context. I don’t think anyone in this conversation
> understands Zev.
>
> Stating how one feels is certainly important and welcome in a discussion
> like this. Demanding that other people address my feelings is not something
> I would expect. Asking for an explanation is perfectly reasonable. Once
> received, I might ask another question to clarify the response. I might
> even say that doesn’t make sense to me. But I don’t have the right to
> demand that the other person do what I think they should do.
>
> Sharon
> ----
> Sharon Villines
> Takoma Village Cohousing, Washington DC
> http://www.takomavillage.org
>
>
>
>
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-- 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hafidha Sofía Acuay
pronouns: she/her
cell: (503)750-7550
email: hafidha.AO [at] gmail.com