Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Diversity

[Sharon Villines (sharon]

> On Feb 23, 2023, at 12:11 PM, Sophie Rubin <yophiest [at] gmail.com> wrote:
> 
> I don’t think Hafidha Sofia is asking Zev to follow rules. This is not about 
> “consent to” or “imposition of” standards. This is about providing tools for 
> better communication and harm repair. After causing harm, there are specific 
> ways of trying to make a repair that will work more effectively than others, 
> and Hafidha is providing the information necessary for Zev to make a more 
> complete and well-received repair to those he harmed. 

I think you are stating this more clearly, but there is still an assumption 
here that Zev has to do something. I would accept whatever he offers and move 
on without expecting him to do what I think he should do. In fact, allowing him 
space to think would probably produce more reconsideration, if he has to do 
any, than telling him "that was not a good apology."

I couldn’t live in cohousing or any other kind of housing if I expected 
everyone to follow currently accepted socio-emotional ways of doing things — 
even when I know they are good or better. People are busy worrying about 
getting from one day to the next.

Shortly after we moved in in 2000, we ran up against many assumptions that some 
members had that were anathema to others. They were so deeply held that they 
were not recognized until people started putting them into operation. One was 
that the community would be studying all the ways each person could better 
themselves in terms of ethics and people skills. A workshop was held in which 
people were asked to list their pledges for what they would be working on and 
the pledges would be posted for everyone to see and as reminders for each 
person who was pledging. This was considered to be helpful and supportive. It 
would build a strong and caring community. 

It was done with all the best intentions but only 3 people were interested in 
participating. The rest just asked that the pledges not be posted in places 
where others would see them. This was not a treatment facility and people had 
not moved in to be improved.

Many, many people do not move into cohousing because fear this kind of 
expectation.

> Possibly your newest participant (this is my first post), 

Welcome to you! You did good!

Sharon
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Sharon Villines
Takoma Village Cohousing, Washington DC
http://www.takomavillage.org