Re: Diversity
From: Kathleen Lowry (kathleenlowrylpcclmftgmail.com)
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 2023 10:39:43 -0800 (PST)
Fred is suggesting to me some of our responses belong in individual emails. 
What a tricky line to walk! The task of deciding that would make me crazy. 
Thanks Fred for taking it on.

Regarding the quality of apologies, this is something often tackled in couples 
therapy under the category of “habits annoying to your partner.” Is it really 
possible to accommodate all felt annoyances of such a large (and diverse in 
many ways) group?

Is this a “fences make good neighbors” issue? In other words can we expect the 
level of accommodation to be the same as in a partner relationship? Or 
sometimes do we have to just let it go? Under what conditions? 

Is something like the quality of apologies something for  an individual not 
group email? 
Can people living in cohousing make room for this level of accommodation? 

Does cohousing create more relaxed and loving relationships or an “everyone for 
themselves” vibe? Too many rules? 

Some people love rules, others not so much, right?

Kathleen




> On Feb 23, 2023, at 12:28 PM, Diana Carroll <dianaecarroll [at] gmail.com> 
> wrote:
> 
> These aren't "rules", they are guidelines. There's nothing to "consent" to.
> To the extent that they are rules, they are established and enforced by our
> culture, not by this website. A bad apology is a bad apology; these
> guidelines will help people not make bad apologies.
> 
> Bad apologies are often an example of microaggressions, in fact.
> Effectively "I'm sorry y'all are so sensitive".
> 
> Diana
> Mosaic Commons, Berlin, MA
> 
> 
> 
> On Thu, Feb 23, 2023 at 11:39 AM Sharon Villines via Cohousing-L <
> cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org> wrote:
> 
>>> This is not a good apology.
>>> Here’s a basic primer on apologies. Re your apology, numbers 1, 3, 4, 5
>> are areas for improvement - especially 1.
>>> https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-apologize
>> 
>> Respecting diversity means that we cannot expect everyone to live by
>> pre-established rules, certainly not rules they may never have even known
>> about and have made no promise to follow.
>> 
>> When attempts at apologizing are rejected and rules are imposed about what
>> an apology is, we are very far from respecting each person as a
>> well-meaning and unique individual.
>> 
>> Healthline is a very good resource so probably this is a good guide to
>> expressing an apology, but it is not a standard that can be autocratically
>> imposed and used as a judgment of good or bad. Consent is required when
>> making rules.
>> 
>> Sharon
>> ----
>> Sharon Villines
>> Takoma Village Cohousing, Washington DC
>> http://www.takomavillage.org
>> 
>> 
>> 
>> 
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