Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: community agreements on conflict resolution

[Muriel Kranowski (murielk]

I can think of at least 2 kinds of interpersonal conflict in coho
communities. One is that members or subgroups of members just don't like
each other and let that be observable, or one member is just irascible and
unpleasant to everyone. Another is that member A believes that member B is
flouting community rules or norms and is ticked off about it. We've tried
to address the 2nd kind of conflict in a formal way.

We call it the Perceived Broken Agreements process, because member A thinks
that member B is not adhering to a community agreement, but maybe A
misunderstands the agreement or is just wrong about their perception. So
the first step is for A, perhaps guided by other more neutral members, to
examine that assumption. If after that A still feels the same way, then A
should talk to B about it, again perhaps with the aid of members seen as
neutral by B.

If this has no effect on B's behavior, A's recourse is to bring their
complaint to a plenary meeting and seek some kind of community-level
intervention.

None of this has been invoked yet as far as I know -- certainly not the
last step -- but I think the general idea is worth trying. There is no
perfect way to handle conflict; we can't evict a recalcitrant member or vet
potential new ones, and in general we can't truly enforce compliance except
for paying your HOA fees. The few members who developed a grudge against
the rest of us and were certainly breaking our norms if not our formal
agreements ended up moving out, but their behaviors spurred us to create
this formal process.
     Muriel at Shadowlake Village, Blacksburg VA